The Lunchables Crisis

 According to our affiliate Today, there's a shortage of Lunchables. Parents everywhere are in panic. Where can you even find meat and cheese? North Dakota? Let's go to Today's info.

 

Lunchables, those pre-packaged meal kits featuring cheese, crackers, candy and miniature versions of kid faves such as pizza and hot dogs have gone missing from grocery store shelves. Even as the USDA extended free school meals throughout the 2021-2022 year, many kids are missing their go-to lunch and parents are at a loss as to what else to pack for them.

 Parents are at a loss as to what else to pack for them. Without Lunchables, parents are resorting to sending their kids to school with dog food, a scoop of tuna out of a can and skittles. Just the green skittles. It's like chives as a garnish. With Lunchables in our news cycle, you know Snacktion News assembled, here's what our staff had to say. 

MTD: Mike Hllwya, when you have to take a lunchable to work, as a grown man, what are you taking?

MH: Nachos. Best fake baseball park cheese ever.

MTD: No way?! Incredible cold cheese take from Mike. If you had to have a meat one, what are you going with?

MH: Bologna. I'm sure there's a French term that makes it sound better.

MTD: Is cow hoof French?

MH: It sounds sexy enough.

MTD: So, after nacho, cow hoof. Have you had the Hillshire Farm adult lunchables?

MH: Wait, they make adult lunchables?

MTD: Yeah, so we don't look like children at work. My glasses fell in the toilet. I can't also be seen with a lunchable.

Molly Mayhem is on the scene.

MTD: Molly, What's the first lunchable you ever had?

MM: Probably the ham and cheese with crackers.

MTD: Same for me. What's your favorite?

MM: Pizza. Hands down favorite.

MTD: I've never had the pizza one but I despise it. What makes it so good?

MM: I really like pizza. Did you forget the Pringles chip segment?

MTD: Molly, I have a lot of *shuffles papers*

MTD: If you had to choose a processed meat one, which is it?

MM: I like the ham over turkey for sure.

MTD: How bad was the fake Oreo?

MM: They weren't really Oreos? I thought they were just cold and stale.

MTD: Ugh... Let's go to a commercial break. *throws pencil at camera*

MTD: How about those Progressive folks? They make some annoying commercials. Molly, they were just terrible Oreos. Thanks for making me look bad on the air.

MTD: Recapping tonight's top story, we're out of Lunchables, America! You can put peanut butter on bread for your kid. 

There's a great episode of Seinfeld up next. Kramer slides through the door.

 

 

 

Lay's Makes Potato Chips

In 1932, Herman Lay opened a snack food company. The rest is on wikipedia. Snacktion News is here today to try to rank some of the 400 flavors they have now. Yes, eventually we'll get around to you, Canada. You weirdo, hosers.

Mike Hllywa is going to start us out tonight because he has a full top 10.

Mike, throw down some Lay's rankings.

MH: 10. Salt and Vinegar. Just.. no

MTD: Don't worry folks, we'll revist this.

MH: 9. Dill Pickle. Fucking why?

MTD: You just wait. There's mayhem coming for you.

MH: 8. BBQ. They're terrible.

MTD: They had a better BBQ 20 years ago but, yeah.

MH: 7. Wavy Lay's. Ruffles called, stop being dumb.

6. Flaming hot Lay's. *facepalm*

5. Lightly Salted. Like me on a good day.

MTD: Solid joke. *licks pencil*

MH: 4. Wavy Ranch. Ok, better than Ruffles.

3. Original. Mmmmmm, greasy.

1B. Sour Cream and Cheddar. It's like a ballet on the tongue.

1A. Sour Cream and Onion. This is a no touching zone. I will remove hands if they enter this zone.

MTD: Sour Cream and Onion. The GOAT.

And here it is. Molly Mayhem, where's Sour Cream and Onion on your list? 

MM: Um, they're alright but I'd totally choose Dill Pickle over Sour Cream and Onion.

MTD: I didn't think I'd have to fire you so soon. Dill Pickle. I love pickles. The chips not so much. What's your draw to them?

MM: I like pickles and I like chips. Crispy pickle chips. Yum.

MTD: Mmmhmm, that math checks out. What's your go to?

MM: So, Classic Lay's are my favorite, guess I'm a basic bitch... BBQ would be second. And I guess Ruffle Lays third? Since they are good for dipping.

MM: What happened to the pizza flavored chips??

MTD: *asks earpiece what happened to pizza chips* Sorry, what the hell are you talking about?

MM: I don't know. It was the one brand "once you pop the fun don't stop?' I don't know but pizza flavored chips over everything.

MTD: Pringles. Gotcha. Lays is going to love that that's your favorite chip in a Lays article.

MTD: *shuffles papers* 

MTD: Right, my rankings of Lay's. Look, listener, Sour Cream and Onion might be the greatest snack food of all time. After that, surprisingly, I think Classic. Salt, good. Grease, good. I actually love the Flamin Hot so they're right there with Salt and Vinegar. SNV is a sneaky power couple. I prefer it on a kettle chip. But we'll save those for a future post. 

Feel free to call in and let us know what you think.

 

Starburst Power Rankings

Four colors. Four, um, flavors. The OG Starburst handed you a stick of taffy-ish, neatly wrapped, bright colored candy treats. Starburst burst onto the scene in 1960 by Peter Pfeffer. You don't care about that. Which one do you eat first? Which one do you save for last? Which one do you give to that coworker you don't like? Snacktion News assembled to give you our power rankings on colors.

We'll kick it off with our OG Snacktion Reporter, Nicole Amstutz. 

MTD: Nikki, rank the Starburst colors.

NA: There is no starburst but red.

MTD: What do you do with the rest of them? Fix wobbly tables?

NA: *goes back to making Fritos Pie on sturdy tables*

Let's throw this to our new snacktionnews team member, Molly Mayhem. Welcome to the team, what brought you here?

MM: Reece's 

MTD: I meant to the news team. Doesn't matter, let's go to your rankings.

MM: Pink, Red, Yellow and Orange.

MTD: I knew pink was your one. Do you especially like strawberry flavored candy?

MM: I like candy in general but strawberry flavors are great.

MTD: Do you like strawberry milk?

MM: Absolutely not.

MTD: I definitely don't snort strawberry quick powder either.

MTD: Nobody seems to like orange starburst. Why do you think that is?

MM: Because it doesn't taste like oranges?

MTD: Yellow was also low on your list. Same reason as orange?

MM: I don't think many people like lemon candies either.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Mike Hllwya, I'm going to need your rankings.

MH: Yellow, Red, Pink, Orange.

MTD: Yellow is a hot take. Do you just love Crystal Light or anything yellow-ish?

MH: I'm a lemon connoisseur.

MTD: I used to just eat lemon slices. Did you suffer from the same problem?

MW: More of a lemon flavoring connoisseur.

MTD: Do you have a favorite lemonade?

MW: Minute Maid.

Let's go to a commercial break.

MTD: Fucking Minute Maid! He's fired. Minute Maid. 

Oh, we're back.

MTD: *shuffles papers* 

MTD: You also hate orange starburst.

MW: Orange doesn't rhyme with anything.

MTD: Can we get security up here?

Alright, now that Hllwya has been removed from the building, we can finish up with my ranks. 

1. Yellow. I rehired Hllywa. 

2. Red. 

3. Orange.

4. Pink. Pink is not good, Molly.

The Great Cheez-It Debate

Snacktion News isn't going to get into the highly questionable quality of the Cheez-It ad campaign. Mostly because some of us *straightens tie over my pajamas* would love to join that writing team of cheddar addict 20-year-olds. Instead, my team of snack eating professionals wanted to discuss our general opinions on Cheez-It. I was under the impression that it was a perfectly crumbulant snack. But not everybody agreed. 

I'll start this out by introducing my co-host, Derwood Morris. He lives in a rural part of Georgia most people call Alabama and has to send in his opinions via Pony Express. Let's go...

Derwood Morris: Let me start this important cheez-it conversation by saying that while the actual Cheez-It themselves are delightful, the real treat is at the bottom of the bag. That salty, cheese pieces ending. I mean, if you haven't been caught pouring the remaining contents into your mouth by a concerned employee collecting carts outside a Kroger, you haven't yet lived.

MTD: That's my favorite part of peanuts. The salt dust. I assume it's made by Columbians.

DM: No, just one Columbian, but he's lived in Hopatcong, New Jersey his whole life.

MTD: Oh, Phil. I know Phil.

DM; I've licked a Cheez-It and moved it around the in the bottom of the bag dust and eaten it. I think I've confessed enough for the evening.

MTD: And you threw Phil under the salt bus. Thanks, Derwood.

Let's move to the Original Snacktion reporter, Nicole Amstutz. Nicole, what's your immediate reaction to Cheez-It?

NA: I'm disgusted by them. Even by the smell of them. 

MTD: Like the stale cheese smell? Texture? Flavor? 

NA: The flavor is "trying too hard," the texture is "the roof of my mouth needs stitches," and the smell is "vomit in a box."

MTD: Thanks, Nikki. There goes a sponsor.

At this point, she corrects me on who created Cheez-It and who owns them now. 

Let's go over to my buddy up in Amish country, Mike Hllywa. Hllywa, do you guys get Cheez-It up there or is it a straight cow to cracker situation?

MW: There are snack foods out there that require one to be in the mood.

MTD: Here it comes..

MW: Cheez-It do not fall in that category. It's a munchie food that leaves you forgetting about everything until you realize the box is gone, leaving you largely satisfied, mildly annoyed that the box is empty and marginally covered in salt and cheese dust.

MTD: I know a guy for that.

MW: Perfect for family movie night, a sporting event or eating yourself out of self-pity. *chef kiss* This only goes for original Cheez-It flavor. Regular form or big form. This flavor is like the Pennywise discogrophy; a formula that shouldn't be tricked with. But, for whatever reason, Planters just couldn't leave well enough alone.

Here's what we learned. Derwood is right. Salt dust is a drug. Nicole ruined my brunch meeting with Kellogg or Planters or Mr. Cheez. . Hllywa is from SoCal. Pennywise? This is a snack blog.

My thoughts on Cheez-It? Thanks for asking, mom. Are they out of control on their flavors? Perhaps. But they made it to Extra Toasty and that's all that matters. That's the Cheez-It MVP. I have to go. There's a bag of dust that requires my attention. 

Domino’s Dough Dominates Dumpster

Welcome to Snacktion News, it’s definitely not live. Our first story is going to cover the crust covered container in Covington. 

I have been informed I’ve already reached my alliteration limit for the year. A pizza place employee tossed some dough into the dumpster before Ida hit Louisiana. You’re all caught up now.

NOLA did a great job covering the blob blowing barley out of the bin.

I’ve been fired. Here’s my interview with The Original, The One and Only, Snacktion Reporter, Nicole Amstutz. I don’t know if that’s spelled right, I’ve only recently applied for the payroll job.

MTD: When you were growing up, when did you realize you wanted to be a snacktion reporter? A perfectly salted Cheez-It?

Nicole Aniston: I think it was really just timing. I’m an 80’s baby and growing up seeing the likes of both Geraldo and the Noid on TV is what eventually led to my Mass Comm degree.

MTD: Ugh, the Noid. His antics had to lead to your keen sense of pizza related news.

NA: Undoubtedly they did. They also led to me attempting a Noid costume for 80s weekend at work about two years ago. I couldn’t do it. The suit felt too claustrophobic. So I dressed as Mr T. instead and everybody thought I was Dog the Bounty Hunter.

MTD: Mr T, famous for his ice cream and pizza shop in Chattanooga, sure. What went wrong? The mullet?

NA: My overwhelming blonde whiteness, most likely. I’ll find a picture.

MTD: So what tipped you off to the dominos dumpster dough disaster (gets fired again)?

NA: I evacuated to Covington and drove home after the storm to check on some things. On my way back, I was at one of the no electricity, four way stop intersections that was taking FOREVER, so I was ADHDing and saw it. At first I thought it was that spray foam in a can. You know, Great Stuff (product endorsement deal!?? What do you say, Great Stuff??)  and then the context made sense and I took a picture because it was awesome.

MTD: I’ve already checked and Dominos, Pizza Hut and Mel Brooks won’t let me call this Pizza the Hut. What would you call it?

NA: The World’s Biggest Yeast Infection

MTD: Where does your clear role as Snacktion Reporter 1 take you now? Wisconsin?

NA: First I’m going to compile all of the articles and celebrity retweets and whatnot and submit to LSU, since I’m clearly a notable alumna journalist now and thus deserving of a framed portrait of something. Then I’ll probably see if there’s anything funny going on at Arby’s. I mean… they have the meats.