The Great Canadian Butter Heist

Oh, Canada. What a flavorless heist. I'm not putting down butter. How would I even eat a potato without it? I think it's physically impossible. But in America people steal trucks of gold, is what I learned from the documentary Die Hard with a Vengeance. The breaking news, though, is two trucks of butter were stolen in Toronto. Let's go to our affiliate, The Toronto Sun..

The four stole two transport trucks and hooked up two trailers which were each loaded with approximately 20,000 kilograms of butter, with a combined retail value of about $200,000.

The trucks and trailers were tracked down in the Toronto area on Dec, 27. But the butter was gone.

Kilograms, you guys are adorable. That's 44,000 pounds of butter. Which, again, you can get four sticks for a dollar. Apparently, this heist had a much fattier street value. Also, how big is your walk in cooler, gangsters?

As a well respected and professional news person, it would be irresponsible for me to wildly conjecture about this heist. That being said, here are my theories...

1. You opened 15 Outback Steakhouses in the greater Toronto area and Sysco is running late.

2. Toronto strip club butter wrestling finals of 2021.

3. Paula Deen is also racist against Canadians and took butter away from you.

4. Wisconsin made corn on the cob and ran to the "store."

5. Butter cryptocurrency. I still don't understand what crypto is.

Anyway, that's a lot of butter to spread. Let's hear your theories and if you have any leads, call.. Um, the Mountie from 1990 WWF. Jacques Rougeau is on the case.

[update]

Amber Hllywa called in. 

MTD: Amber you have a lead?

AH: There's no margarine for error in thievery. It's a shame these guys were able to make a slick getaway. Canadians used to melt my heart but this story makes my stomach churn.

MTD: That's some fine word play, how about the thieves?

AH: Yeah, nothing.

MTD: I'm not getting that news bonus this year, am I?

Barefoot Made Oreo Wine

 

Barefoot Wines teamed with Oreos to create a limited edition red wine blend that supposedly had hints of chocolate and cream. While I'm no sommelier, Oreos certainly grab the attention of Snacktion News. Before we get to the wine segment of this show, let's talk Oreos for a minute with Amber Hllywa. 

MTD: Amber, welcome to the team. Hang on, I have a Twitter alert. That's going to HR. 

MTD: Amber, when you hear Oreos, what's you're immediate reaction?

AH: They're the only store bought cookie worth eating.

MTD: They have millions of flavors. Classic, double stuff, golden or something off the grid? I think s'mores is on our opening credits.

AH: Classic then mint when it's not Girl Scout season. I don't even like the filling that much.

MTD: That's a hot take. I eat the filling with a spoon out of a paint bucket. It's not socially acceptable so I do that in the Oreo filling room of my house in private.

MTD: When you think about Oreos, how long is it before you think "this needs wine?"

AH: Never? Cookies and wine don't seem like they go together.

And that brings us to Barefoot x Oreos. Why? Oh, it sold out immediately. I didn't pay attention in marketing. We couldn't get our hands on a bottle here at Snacktion News but our R&D department came up with this...

After they showed me how to use the blender. You have to plug it in. They don't teach you that at journalist college. The end result was this.

Now, I had my trepidations but once you've already blended the Oreos and wine together. That's the end of the sentence.

So, as I sat down with my home blend of Oreo wine, I had to find a nice pairing for it. Anybody? Yeah, that would be a tough guess for anyone. It's Pepperidge Farm Chessmen. As I swirled and sniffed, Snacktion Reporter One, Nicole Amstutz called in.

NA: Describe it like you work in a restaurant.

MTD: I haven't. Okay, let me try it. Very pushy, Nikki.

MTD: The color is a nice deep red with swirling foam. Taste. Yes, you can taste the Oreo. It adds a nice richness to a $10 bottle of Barefoot. Should I blend cookies in everything? Maybe my philosophy should now be yes?

NA: Sounds like a "nom"

Viewer, instead of bidding $90 on ebay for this Barefoot Oreo wine, just send us $30 and I'll funnel some of my home blend into a bottle for you. I'll sign it and number it so it's still a limited edition. 

We Answer Hot Pockets Question

 

Okay, Hot Pockets. We see you. You want to play a game. I'll get Snacktion News to assemble in a minute to address this Twitter pandering. 

The Tastywich debuted way back in 1980 by Paul Merage's company Chef America Inc. They'd turn into Hot Pockets three years later. In 2002, they'd be sold to Nestle making Paul worth almost two billion dollars. That's a lot of lava cheese mouth.

The Hot Pocket is a calzone sandwich snack made more famous by this Jim Gaffigan bit. There are 50 flavors of them now which seems impossible. But Hot Pockets asked us to choose some and we're professional. Haha. 

Let's go to Snacktion Reporter One, Nicole Amstutz.

MTD: Nikki, which one?

NA: Pepperoni looks like play doh but I eat it.

MTD: Yeah. I ate a ton of meatballs when I was in my 20s. Let me rephrase that.

NA: Nope. We heard you.

MTD: Thoughts on Jim Gaffigan.

NA: I don't WANT to punch him in the face but if I did I feel like it would be like punching marshmallow fluff. Sink right in. 

MTD: Punching marshmallow fluff. He's stealing that for his next special.

MTD: Derwood. Hot Pockets.

DM: I bit into a Hot Pocket, it was pepperoni, back in 2002 and the cheese was ice cold. 

MTD: We went over how microwaves work in college. Remember the popcorn?

DM: Did I mistake three minutes for 30 seconds? You bet I probably did. But had I been drinking Mickeys most of the afternoon? Almost certainly.

MTD: Classy.

DM: Mickeys pairs well with Hot Pockets.

MTD: I stand by what I said.

MTD: Mike Hllywa, Hot Pocket flavors. Go.

MH: Pepperoni, 5 cheese and meatballs. I can still claim because I'm in college that I can still eat like a college student, right?

MTD: I had Sour Patch candy canes for breakfast.

MTD: How do you cook your Hot Pockets?

MH: The oven because I'm still half adult.

MTD: The right answer is air fryer.

MH: We have one. I don't know how to use it. Half adult. 

MTD: Would you like to get your family involved in this?

MH: 

MTD: Mmmhmm. Prefers creating her own Hot Pocket. Gotcha.

Well, I think this the exact feedback Hot Pocket was after. We named a Jim Gaffigan special, we unlearned how to use a microwave and Mike's family prefers a sandwich. Great job, team. You're welcome, Hot Pocket.

Fla-Vor-Ice Power Rankings

There's a ton of brands of flavored sugar water in plastic sleeves for you to freeze. Otter Pops, generic, Powerade and Fla-Vor-Ice. Four? Seems like Ted in research is getting lazy. 

Fla-Vor-Ice is the elite though. They've actually been around since 1969. Did freezers even exist then? Or did you have to wait until winter to freeze them? Either way, Fla-Vor-Ice is kind of a vice of mine. I've been eating them for the better part of 30 years. It was a refreshingly cool treat as a kid. Then as an adult, turns out you can blow through five, six in a sitting. Sometimes, you put them into a blender to make a snowcone. Sometimes, your dentist tries to have an intervention.

Fla-Vor-Ice comes in six colors. We're talking original. Not the tropical variety I was hooked on one summer. Lemon Lime (green), Grape (purple), Tropical Punch (pink), Orange (orange), Berry Punch (blue), and Strawberry (red). I always enjoy when orange has to be described. People commonly mistake red for cherry. It's strawberry but, let's face it, it tastes red. Nonetheless, Rex Chapman's claim on Twitter that red was cherry riled me up and now Snacktion News had to assemble to rank the flavors.

MTD: Mike Hllywa, your rankings. Just as a heads up, I throw purple away. I don't need frozen Dimetapp.

MH: Blue, green, red. I don't know what yellow is so I skip it. I take three or four of them, crush them up and eat them out of a bowl with a spoon.

MTD: You've heard of a blender? Wait, did you say yellow?

MH: I buy the knock off Walmart brand. 

MTD: Yellow is banana. This is my life's work.

MTD: Snacktion Reporter One

NA: Blue

MTD: Nikki, they have five more flavors.

NA: Blue.

MTD: Okay, maybe not everybody buys them by the case from Sam's Club. 

While my field reporters agree on blue, there is a hierarchy. They were close with blue.

1. Pink

2. Blue

3. Red

4. Green

5. Orange

6. 

Here's the pro tip for the adults who've been waiting through this segment about ice pops. Before you freeze them, pour a little out, pour in a little vodka, then you seal it with a hair straightener and freeze them. 

She Uses Vaseline

Vaseline as a condiment? You have to be insane. We'll get to the Flaming Lips in a second. Let's set the table for this Snacktion News exclusive. Mike Hllywa is a grown adult. What's on your mind?

MH: Fork in a light socket. Thoughts?

MH: Probably a bad idea since I own my own home, right? 

MTD: It's a creative way to heat up bologna and american cheese.

MH: With mustard.

MTD: Wait, why are you doing that?

MH: Because the mustard sets it off.

MTD: No, I meant, never mind. So you've invented your own terribly dangerous George Foreman grill.

MH: And I'll do it without punching the light socket.

MTD: Does your wife realize you're crazy?

MH: Yes? Yeah. Probably. 

MTD: Just checking. You are, by the way.

MH: That means a lot for you to say that.

MTD: People tell me I'm the authority on crazy people.

MH: Do I get something? A hat?

MTD: Sure. You can pick the color.

MH: Tangerine.

Ladies and gentleman, you've just witnessed the most absurd introduction to The Flaming Lips...

Are they dead? Oh we can't afford them. That makes more sense. Here's a link to their hit She Don't Use Jelly The girl at the end uses tangerines to color her hair. Spoiler! But also how we landed here. 

Hey, Mike, Tina from corporate says we can't afford tangerine hats or hats.

The Flaming Lips originated in 1983 in, Oklahoma City? Let's say Southern California. She Don't Use Jelly came out in 1993 and was their biggest radio hit. And it raised some condiment questions for us here at Snacktion News.

1. Do people put vaseline on toast?

Yes. Yes, they do.

2. People other than Milhouse from The Simpsons?

Surprisingly, still yes. 

3. Is it delightful? 

You can get butter for a dollar. Like a four pack.

4. Is it just because of the Flaming Lips song?

Yeah, Right? Or? This is why we need money to book Wayne Coyne.

Let's go to Snacktion Reporter One, Nicole.

MTD: What do you put on toast? Any of these?

NA: Margarine.

MTD: Ah, that would have fit into the song. Wayne, why'd you leave out margarine? I'm being reminded we don't have him. Let's go to commercial.

Wasted Wednesdays At TGI Fridays

Thank God It's Fridays. Amazing timing for this news segment. Let's pretend this is a Friday. I won't bore you with the who, what, when or why of TGI Fridays even though it is a story of a dude opening a bar to meet women. It was quite the scene for industry folks in the 90's when I *checks math* had a fake ID because I'm not old.

There was flair, both bottles and pins, flowing booze, laughter, a guy named Chuck none of us knew, stripes, so many stripes. And food. Food?

Since the suits require me to talk about snacks here at Snacktion News, we'll get to those wasted Wednesdays after this appetizer. 

Potato skins were my go to because, lets face it, it's a fried loaded baked potato. And they we're delicious. So good, in fact, that Fridays decided to make a chip version of it. Are those good you wonder. Yes. So good, in fact, we had to hire Mike Hllywa's wife Amber for this segment.

MTD: Amber, you might know me from being your husband's best friend. But most likely from being the surprisingly handsome Lead Anchor of Snacktion News.

AH: Who's this?

MTD: Exactly.

MTD: TGI Fridays Potato Skin Crisps. Do you love them them more than Mike?

AW: They're a mood for me. When I'm in the mood for them, absolutely I love them more than Mike because they're fucking delicious.

MTD: Did anybody warn the new lady about swearing?

MTD: They have a ton of flavors now. Do you have a favorite?

AH: Cheddar and bacon. They have other flavors?

MTD: This is why we don't get nominated for the investigative snack news awards. 

Let's get to the main course, Ches. Ches, seen in the background behind me and his future wife, accidentally created Wasted Wednesday at a TGI Fridays luckily located smack in the middle of a cluster of other restaurants. As it turns out, restaurant employees tend to indulge in an adult beverage while they talk shit about you after their shift. 

Here's how Wasted Wednesday worked. It was more or less $20 for all you could drink. I put the LIT in Long Island Ice Teas because I was a slutty sophomore sorority girl. Then Ches and his fellow bar slinging brethren would replace the rot gut well liquor we guzzled like there was no tomorrow the next day from a grocery store. And their profit was tremendous. Sometimes tomorrow does happen and you get fired from Champps for being "still drunk" or "yelling at a baby." Then you have to go work at Bahama Breeze.

This news story has apparently gotten away from me. *shuffles papers* Right. The crisps. I feel like I say sour cream and onion for everything. They are my favorites. But what are we even doing without a Buffalo and Ranch version?

Big shout out to Ches for killing just countless brain cells. And for the great picture of me before my hair line took a detour. 

Fighting About Mayo On French Fries

The origin of mayonnaise dates back to 1742 when George Blue Plate spilled lemon juice on some chicken eggs. 

That can't be right. Wikipedia? You don't know? So...

After that fateful day when Old Man Blue Plate wrecked his chicken eggs with lemon juice and a dash of vinegar, turkey sandwiches became all the rage. It wasn't until 1994 when a documentary came out about some gangsters in California and one of them mentioned dietary preferences between the United States and something called Europe. The most damning claim was that Amsterdamians love to dip their fries in mayo instead of ketchup. When Snacktion News hears some outrageous claims like that from 30 years ago, we assemble. 

We even brought in a special correspondent, our friend and yours, Thomas Ridgely.

MTD: Tom, you're a trained chef. There's definitely a split crowd about whether mayo is a dipping sauce for fries. You're reaction?

TR: It's a dispute. Man, look, either you like fries with mayo or you're wrong. 

MTD: A dispute is a perfect way to remind our viewer that you can pull people's arms off because of karate.

TR: I don't know karate but I know Karazy.

MTD: You're new but this is a serious show.

TR: And some Jiu Jitsu, wrestling, boxing and Muay Thai.

MTD: I don't know any of that jibberish but I'm inclined to offer you our good bottled water now.

MTD: How'd you end up in Germany? To karate the Nazis?

TR: I got to Germany the same way as most people, on a flight.

MTD: DO NOT TURN ON THAT APPLAUSE SIGN

TR: To karate Nazis no but there's a great story that involves the rich history of

MTD: This commercial break is brought to you by California Raisins. They are not aging well.

TR: And you wanna know the main thing I saw people eat as a snack food?

MTD: I'll see if we have time.

TR: Fries with mayo!

MTD: Oh, shit. That's our topic today. 

TR: Since then I've made it a goal to convince people the glory of fries with mayo. 

MTD: I suspected Vincent Vega was a liar in that documentary.

TR: There's endless combinations of fry types and flavored mayo. 

MTD: Different flavored mayo. Like putting onion rings on top?

TR: Garlic dill, for example. It pairs well with

MTD: Hold on there, mayo sommelier, we're working on walking not running.

TR: A wise man once said mayo your goals I forget the rest. 

MTD: You can listen to Thomas dispense more wisdom like that on his wonderful Food Fight Podcast after he gets kicked in the head all day. But, go listen to it or he'll twist you into a pretzel and there won't be beer cheese sauce.

Let's check in with Mike Hllwya. Amish Country must love bland condiments.

MTD: Mike, you're live and we're talking fries and mayo.

MH: Nothing with mayo.

MTD: You're going on the record as anti mayo?

MH: I'm going on the record as "would willingly guillotine the creator of mayo"

MTD: How do you get the quotations to appear? Do you have a side closed captioning deal?

MTD: What about mayo makes you feel this murderous rage? Did it kill your father?

MH: It upset my bologna sandwich once. 

MTD: Have you considered bologna as the culprit?

MH: How dare you, sir.

MTD: We've been talking about a bologna intervention for you around the office.

MH: You can goddamn try. Your office is a Scrooge McDuck swimming pool of Trolli Crunchy Worms. 

MTD: That reminds me, the dentist is coming to replace our teeth again next Tuesday. 

What

*shuffles papers*

Fries and mayo! Maybe Snacktion Reporter extraordinaire Nicole Amstutz will be less combative.

MTD: Nikki, fries and mayo?

NA: Mayo is only acceptable in aioli form.

MTD: I don't know how you guys got so fancy. I kinda look at payroll.

NA: Once I mixed mayo with soy sauce and Tony's and that was pretty delicious with fries.

MTD: Mayo, soy sauce and Tony Chachere's sounds delicious. How drunk were you?

NA: I was not. I was at work and the dipping options were limited. I like to dip.

MTD: Can we afford the rights to play Freak Nasty's Da Dip?! She put that on a tee for us. What's her aioli budget?!

Clearly my team is on the fence about this debate and one Snacktion Reporter spent our Freak Nasty money on a truffle ailoi. I'm going to side with Thomas. It took a long time for me to come around to the nonsense happening across the pond. But give it a shot. It's good. Tabasco makes a mayo. That's the top ruined egg sauce in my opinion.

Does Tabasco send me a check for that directly? 

A Love Letter From Lemonheads

As a snack professional, I spend a lot of time at Family Dollar. And if you guys don't start buying whatever shampoo we peddle during commercial breaks, I'm going to have to work there instead of just helping unload the delivery truck on Tuesdays. Anyway, I'm digging through the boxes to get first dibs on snacks when I come across that beautiful love letter on the back of Tropical Lemonheads bites. 

I didn't realize Lemonheads were so sentimental. LH has been thinking about our friendship since they first burst onto the scene in Boston in 1986. Evan Dando originally wanted to call the band The Whelps. After high school, Dando enrolled at Skidmore College. 

I'm being told I've gone to the wrong Wikipedia page. I'll *shuffles papers*

Lemonheads were introduced in 1962 by the Ferrara Candy Company and tried country music before finding their alt rock sound with a sweet coating, soft sour shell and hard candy core. 

Despite their claims that my memory works, I don't recall caring for the taste, texture or cover of Mrs. Robinson. But let's check in with Mike Hllywa just in case I'm wrong. 

MTD: I bought those Lemonhead tropical bites because of the sentimental note on the back. Do not eat the pink ones. I think they're urinal cake flavored. Blue is delightful, though. I don't think I liked the originals. Your thoughts?

MH: I've only had regular lemonheads. And, no bullshit, they work like lemon drops and kept my voice from cracking when I was singing in bands. They're a godsend.

MTD: Did I get drunk and write that box blurb after one of your Lemonhead shows? I'm going to have to talk to legal again. 

MH: It reads like something you wrote. I emailed Tina already.

MTD: I hate Tina. But she was willing to work for snackbit.

MH: Is that the fake crypto currency you're supposedly paying us with?

MTD: Yes, it's pictures of cheetos before I eat them.

MH: How do we cash them in?

MTD: Now IS a good time for a commercial break, thanks Mike.