Velveeta's Cheese Martini Oozes onto the Scene

America is at it again. If you thought we couldn't combine anymore weird shit together, let me introduce you to the love child of Velveeta, vodka and vermouth. The Veltini is a cheese infused vodka martini that BLT Steak is serving for $15 at their locations in New York, Washington DC, Charlotte and the Depths of Hell. The Washington DC location was booked and their spillover prefers the Depths of Hell location. Luckily, BLT Steaks is selling a Veltini kit for $50 to make your own. But...

It's sold out. Which had to have happened over three days and does not include vodka or vermouth. Luckily, the Snacktion News R&D is top notch and spares no expenses. Technically, we don't pay them so there are no expenses and we don't ask how or where they get stuff.

On to the Veltini!

Step 1: The Suppliening 

Kirklands? Jeez, they really spared no expenses. Oh, right. 

Step 2: The Oozening

We might lose some viewers here as it's not extremely appetizing but this is how the vodka is infused. You have to break some eggs to make vodka cheese, as the saying goes. You'll notice we used jalapeno cheese sauce since we decided it fit the flavor profile of Costco vodka more seamlessly. Or perhaps that's what the Family Dollar had in stock. Who's to say.

Step 3: The Soakening

This process is supposed to take 24 hours but we did it in about 10. Agitation is the key. You should have seen the face of that intern who had to shake that jar for 10 hours. Pure agitation. 

Step 4: The Drippening

We poured the vodka cheese sludge through a fine mesh cloth. This cloth will separate the cheese from the liquid. Some kind of magical cheese separator cloth. Frankly, it's amazing they don't have a name for it.

The blue dots are from Christmas lights hanging over the bar. Good luck replicating that at home.

Step 4: The Shakening

We didn't have the official recipe but how far off could we be? I went with two ounces of Velveeta cheese vodka, a half ounce of dry vermouth and a half ounce of olive juice, shaken well and photobombed. The martini glass was then dipped in queso.

Step 5: The Veltini

I didn't spend a lot of time on the garnish. I'm not stuffing olives or skewering shells. The Velveeta and olive brine have most of the vitamins I need for a breakfast cocktail anyway. So, it's your basic olive, Velveeta cube, repeat skewer.

Step 6: The Drinkening

Mmhmm. That's a cheese martini. Any other volunteers?

This guy.

The Verdict

To paraphrase a great philosopher, it was prettay, prettay, prettay...

I wouldn't go as far to say good but it wasn't the complete disaster I expected. You can certainly taste the cheese. It wasn't too overpowering as I shook the shit out of it and the brine and jalapeno helped the final product. Would I order one? No. Would a James Bond villain find me intimidating whilst sipping one? Almost certainly not. Is Charcuterie Fingers a Bond villain? It would pair nicely with them. *jots down notes for screenplay*

The Sales Pitch

I have about six ounces of this leftover and I've been threatened with divorce if it doesn't leave the house soon. Please Venmo me $50 to mail it to you via USPS Ground. If I've learned anything about Velveeta, you should have a nice conversation dip by the time it arrives in this heat. 

Update

The six ounces of leftover cheese vodka is a 1/1 autographed, special edition. Let's say the bidding starts at $90 now.

Introducing Ms Dirty Shirley

Imagine a gorgeous debutante ball in midsummer New Orleans. It's hot, of course, but all of our perfectly styled young debutantes are sweating glowing in their best dress whites. They're lined up along staircases sipping non-alcoholic pinot grigio. 

Well, Blue Oak's Dirty Shirley is the antithesis of that and. Hey, you can't smoke in the dining room. Take it under the bleachers.

A delightful daiquiri created by Blue Oak BBQ's talented and very much lady like bar manager, Bri, is based off of... 

Bri and Shirley just stole the Snacktion News van. Goddamnit. This is why we stopped doing local TV spots. That van is basically a pinata on wheels. 

The Dirty Shirley is a play off of the Shirley Temple which was based on a child star from the 1930's. And Bri poured vodka in to her and they stole my news van.

Blue Oak's Dirty Shirley is, as mentioned before, a vodka based daiquiri with black cherry, lemon and lime. It's quite refreshing on a...

Bri and Shirley are doing donuts in front of Blue Oak in our van. Does New Orleans have police?

The Dirty Shirley is garnished with a daiquiri straw in between the hole of Haribo Happy Cherries. I'm told there is no innuendo. 

They have happy hour Monday through Friday from 3pm to 6pm but keep an eye on your wallet. Shirley will get you drunk and steal from you. 

My Abusive Relationship With Pizza Rolls

I'd like to acknowledge my recently leaked 911 audio. Roll the clip..

911: Is this an emergency?
MTD: *gasping for air* I've been violently attacked. 
911: Is the attacker still there?
MTD: Yes, there's six or seven of them left. Maybe 30 or so in the freezer. 
911: *inaudible* It's him again, Sir, please stop calling us because you don't understand the "let the pizza rolls cool" part of the cooking directions on the box. Totino is not "engaging in mouthal warfare." 

After some station sanctioned therapy, I have had some revelations about my abusive relationship with Totino's Pizza Rolls. I'm at fault too, it's been a two way street.

At first, you were perfect. In 1985, when you took the Totino's name, you were the A+ after school snack. Let's say I was in second grade at the time and not a 6th year senior at the Georgia Southern Institute of Pesticides and Food Journalism. Go GSIPFJ Gophers! But over the years, I began to find you less hot. Fewer hot? GSIPFJ word classes never explained the difference. Either way, that's on me.

I strayed. I snacked around on you. I'm not proud but I had everything. Bagel Bites, taquitos, jalapeno poppers, Hot Pockets, everything TGI Fridays put in the freezer section and even a Fridays waitress. I was young and promiscuous. None of them fulfilled me like you. 

Then the home fryer came along. Game changer. I could make my own potato skins! Then I remembered you, Pizza Rolls. You had a nice new shiny sheen to you. Did you get highlights, Pizza Rolls? You were sexy again. Perhaps, too much so. You constantly burned me and my friends. You got around quite a bit back then. I was okay with it until I needed skin grafts for the roof of my mouth. I couldn't help myself around you, bursting at the crunchy crust seams with just a hint of that cheese underneath. Pizza Rolls, you tease.

My fleet of doctors restoring my mouth told me my cholesterol of 2000 was medically impossible. We took a break. We wanted different things. I failed at selling knives door-to-door, you stuffed yourself with weird meats. And I got healthy. I started mixing lettuce into my bacon and ranch soup. 

Then the airfryer becomes an American darling and you popup in my LinkedIn cart. Perhaps you thought we could have a professional relationship now that I'm a highly respected Snacktion News anchor. We hung out. I was dressed in formal attire and you in an appropriately labeled box. It didn't last. My tuxedo was a tearaway and you were wearing white bag lingerie under all that cardboard. The dance began. Off to the airfryer.

I didn't know at first how long it would take to make you hot. We got creative. I poured Tabasco on you. Sour cream. Chives. It was out of control. Which brings me back to the third and final call to 911 I made that night. Was that my rock bottom? It's hard to say as I finished the rest of those Pizza Rolls after 911 hung up on me. I ate a few of the frozen ones too. 

What have I learned, you ask? Well, for starters, 911 has blocked me but I didn't need that car stolen from in front of my house. All I need is an airfryer and Totinos Pizza Rolls. Nothing. I've learned nothing. That should satisfy my therapy requirements. 

After the break, we'll be back with the $22K cheese heist in the Netherlands.