The Funfetti Birthday Ham Sandwich

Boar's Head is one of the finer quality deli meats you can get at your local grocery chain. Publix if you're lucky. Robert's if you live in New Orleans. They won't carry Salsalito Turkey but they are quick with the retraining orders.

Which brings us to Boar's Head's newest creation that I also can't purchase, the Funfetti Birthday Ham. Fact checked and trusted news source, The Onion, broke the story about this celebratory ham... 

Make this birthday one to remember with a smoked, cake-batter-infused Virginia ham that has been decorated with festive rainbow sprinkles,” read a company press release, which detailed a process wherein premium leg-cut pork was bestrewn with multicolored candy pieces, dry-aged for six months, and then glazed with a rich vanilla frosting.

As you, viewer, should already know, I'm not afraid to make my own if it isn't available in my region. Isn't that right, Barefoot Oreo Wine? Let's make this sandwich. 

Step One: Acquire or create vanilla icing funfetti ham. I was lucky enough to grab funfetti pepperjack. Not all Rouses will have this.

Step Two: Organize ingredients. I also used funfetti lettuce and oregano. While the funfetti oregano is colorful and looks trippy, do not smoke it. Is a thing a I've heard from other sandwich artists.

Step Three: Build. Candles are important in this step. It's a birthday sandwich.

Now, that's a good looking sandwich. But let's keep in mind that isn't horseradish or a fancy aioli dripping off that ham, it's vanilla icing and sprinkles. Still...

Step Four: It's go time.

The sprinkles were too crunchy. Which, had I melted them in to the ham, obviously wouldn't have been an issue. It was sweet. Because I spread vanilla icing on ham. Should I ham, sorry, have doubled down and put the sandwich on Hawaiian Rolls? Yes, Amber, I should have.

Oh, let's go to a commercial. My Apple Watch is saying I died several minutes ago. 

Caluda's Ill-Fated Joe Burrow King Cake

It's Carnival Season in New Orleans which could mean many things to many people. Parades, drinking, eating, parades, drinking, beads, drinking, parades and so forth. It also means it's legal to have King Cake for breakfast! Snacktion News is here to King Cake walk you through some of our favorites. 

A few days after the conclusion to the Super Bowl, I'm finally ready to kick off our King Cake celebration week despite shame eating several feet of Cincinnati Bengal orange and black icing. Sacrilege, you yell! They chant "Who Dey!" you, um, chant. Yes, viewer, shut up. I'm still nursing a hangover. Joe Burrow will never buy a cigar in Louisiana again after dominating college football en route to the LSU National Championship in 2019. 

So, when the 2020 first overall pick by the Cincinnati Bengals led them to the Super Bowl with 2021 Offensive Rookie of the Year and fellow 2019 National Champion Ja'Marr Chase in tow, New Orleans was bound to celebrate local football heroes. That was a two page teleprompter disaster of a sentence. Run the footage of what King Cake is... 

It comes in a number of styles. The most simple, said to be the most traditional, is a ring of twisted cinnamon roll-style dough. It may be topped with icing or sugar, which may be colored to show the traditional Mardi Gras colors of purple for justice, green for faith, and gold for power.

There's more history to it that you can google on your own or ask the pretentious guy at the party who went to Tulane. His name is Brad. Back to Joe Burrow. All of New Orleans rallied around Burrow and the Bengals after the Saints missed the playoffs. 

And Caluda's Bakery was able to rise to the occasion. *pause for yeast joke applause*

Caluda's created an orange and striped black icing to go with the purple and yellow sprinkles over traditional white icing, To celebrate bengals both from Cincinnati and the Bayou, respectfully, while making hand over fist dough. I'm going to win so many Emmys.

THE SCORE: Rams 23 - Bengals 20

THE REVIEW: While Burrow fell short of winning the Super Bowl to go along with his Heisman Trophy, National Championship, Comeback Player of the Year after tearing his ACL at the end of his rookie season and becoming Joe Cool III after Namath and the cigarette donkey. I'm being told Joe Cool II was Joe Montana and not a chain smoking camel in a leather jacket. Did Montana come in menthol, though?

Right, so Caluda did a fantastic job with the Burreaux King Cake. Visually stunning. Timely. Jinx-y, perhaps. The cake itself is nice and well cinnamon'd even though it was gigantic. The orange and black icing was surprisingly good despite not containing any hint of that famous Cinci chili flavor only Kat Terrell claims to enjoy. They didn't offer fillings for it but they have tons of options if you aren't going there for a specific news article that is well over a week late of being news worthy. 

I'm still getting reimbursed though? Right? Right?

All right, viewer, yes, you can order from Caluda year round in case you want to throw your drunk aunt in Denton, Texas a Mardi Gras themed birthday party in June. I'm going to get back to shame eating my final elbow of Burrow Cake. 

Moo Gloo: Stick Your Meat Together

 

Meat Glue for the Modern Cook. 

*Meet the meat goo that will glue your meat to meet*

While I've pitched that over and over, the writing staff guarantees that isn't a palindrome or haiku. Why's I even takes English?

What's Moo Gloo then, geniuses? Genies? 

Let's turn to our intern everybody tells me about, Lookitupon Amazon. Looki, what's Moo Goo do?

Product Description

Transglutaminase (TG), aka Meat Glue, is a natural enzyme that has the ability to glue protein-containing foods together. When raw meats are bound with TG, they typically have the strength and appearance of whole uncut muscles. Moo Gloo RM can be sprinkled on dry as a powder. It can be mixed into a slurry with 4 parts water. It can also be added directly into ground meat mixtures. It is safe and easy to use. Typical usage is 0.75–1.0% of recipe weight.

Right, so... Did you say mix it in a slurry of water? Ground meat mixtures? So many appetizing phrases. But I have questions. For instance, why? Modernist Pantry (kinda) answers my questions...

Primary uses of transglutaminase include:

• Making uniform portions that cook evenly, look good, and reduce waste.

Sure, sure. What if I like to mix gator and catfish into sausage but I only have access to casings that aren't vegan?

• Binding meat mixtures like sausages without casings.

Perfect. Vegans will love that gator-cat sausage. There's a gravy with cheese and bacon over it.

Any other suggestions?

• Making meat combinations like bacon and scallops.

Right, we discussed vegan options.

• Producing special effects like meat noodles, meat and vegetable pastas, etc.

Ah, for the gluten frees. Moo Gloo, is there anything you can't goo? *cough* Do?

I'm more of a traditionalist. I like picking my centaur from the yard of the local butcher. 

***Moo Gloo does not turn meat vegan despite what our lead anchor believes. He has misguided thoughts about gluten and mythology as well***