America is at it again. If you thought we couldn't combine anymore weird shit together, let me introduce you to the love child of Velveeta, vodka and vermouth. The Veltini is a cheese infused vodka martini that BLT Steak is serving for $15 at their locations in New York, Washington DC, Charlotte and the Depths of Hell. The Washington DC location was booked and their spillover prefers the Depths of Hell location. Luckily, BLT Steaks is selling a Veltini kit for $50 to make your own. But...
It's sold out. Which had to have happened over three days and does not include vodka or vermouth. Luckily, the Snacktion News R&D is top notch and spares no expenses. Technically, we don't pay them so there are no expenses and we don't ask how or where they get stuff.
On to the Veltini!
Step 1: The Suppliening
Kirklands? Jeez, they really spared no expenses. Oh, right.
Step 2: The Oozening
We might lose some viewers here as it's not extremely appetizing but this is how the vodka is infused. You have to break some eggs to make vodka cheese, as the saying goes. You'll notice we used jalapeno cheese sauce since we decided it fit the flavor profile of Costco vodka more seamlessly. Or perhaps that's what the Family Dollar had in stock. Who's to say.
Step 3: The Soakening
This process is supposed to take 24 hours but we did it in about 10. Agitation is the key. You should have seen the face of that intern who had to shake that jar for 10 hours. Pure agitation.
Step 4: The Drippening
We poured the vodka cheese sludge through a fine mesh cloth. This cloth will separate the cheese from the liquid. Some kind of magical cheese separator cloth. Frankly, it's amazing they don't have a name for it.
The blue dots are from Christmas lights hanging over the bar. Good luck replicating that at home.
Step 4: The Shakening
We didn't have the official recipe but how far off could we be? I went with two ounces of Velveeta cheese vodka, a half ounce of dry vermouth and a half ounce of olive juice, shaken well and photobombed. The martini glass was then dipped in queso.
Step 5: The Veltini
I didn't spend a lot of time on the garnish. I'm not stuffing olives or skewering shells. The Velveeta and olive brine have most of the vitamins I need for a breakfast cocktail anyway. So, it's your basic olive, Velveeta cube, repeat skewer.
Step 6: The Drinkening
Mmhmm. That's a cheese martini. Any other volunteers?
This guy.
The Verdict
To paraphrase a great philosopher, it was prettay, prettay, prettay...
I wouldn't go as far to say good but it wasn't the complete disaster I expected. You can certainly taste the cheese. It wasn't too overpowering as I shook the shit out of it and the brine and jalapeno helped the final product. Would I order one? No. Would a James Bond villain find me intimidating whilst sipping one? Almost certainly not. Is Charcuterie Fingers a Bond villain? It would pair nicely with them. *jots down notes for screenplay*
The Sales Pitch
I have about six ounces of this leftover and I've been threatened with divorce if it doesn't leave the house soon. Please Venmo me $50 to mail it to you via USPS Ground. If I've learned anything about Velveeta, you should have a nice conversation dip by the time it arrives in this heat.
Update
The six ounces of leftover cheese vodka is a 1/1 autographed, special edition. Let's say the bidding starts at $90 now.
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