Brought To You By: Trolli SOUR CRUNCHY Crawlers

In order to keep the lights on here at Snacktion News, we've decided to take on some commercial sponsors. Our snack budget has gotten out of control since we fired our accountant to save money. We're currently using candy necklaces as an abacus to figure out our finances. Which brings us to today's commercial break brought to you by Trolli.

So get this, Trolli was turned into a candy company from a pasta company when Germany lifted its sugar rationing regulations in 1948. It basically became Trolli in 1975 when it registered the brand name. Ownership has changed hands over the times from Kraft, Nabisco, Wrigley and what I assume now is a maniacal cartoon villain. 

Most likely, you know them as the worm equivalent to Sour Patch Kids. And they are delightful. But that's not why I'm interrupting your regularly scheduled programming. No, this is much more dear to my slightly fuller cash filled heart. It's the Trolli SOUR CRUNCHY Crawlers! I don't know why they only yell the first part on the packaging. 

Yes, you still get the gummi worm but it's covered in a hard candy shell. Crunchy then chewy? Why? And gross. Are the most common reactions while I peddle these to unexpecting strangers on Bourbon St. It's actually the same response from the Family Dollar when I go in there with the shakes and berate cashiers for being out of stock.

Let me try to paint a prettier word picture about this wonderful candy as the suits are currently shaking their heads in disapproval of my glowing ad. You get three flavor profiles. Pink has a strawberry candy shell with a green watermelon center. Why do the colors matters? You taste with your eyes as well, bozos. 

I'm being told to not criticize the assholes I'm marketing to.

*shuffles papers* 

Green is a lime candy shell with a cherry worm inside. Blue is blue raspberry shell with orange innards. I enjoy the crunchiness before the chewiness. Lime-cherry is my favorite. I don't know if the candy shell has any flavor as I crush through them like a dog trying to find the squeaker in a toy. I am, however, trying to get more people to agree with me and to make sure these Trolli checks clear. Let me and Trolli know what you think in the comment section of our website. 

Can't find Trolli Crunchy worms? Send a self stamped envelope to our home office in the Cayman Islands. The first bag is free.

The first bag is not free and we're taking $500 out of your PayPal for viewing whatever this was

Happy Thanksgiving from Snacktion News

 

Happy Thanksgiving, viewer. I hope you're enjoying this food based holiday. Usually a producer would chime in now about it being a family holiday, I'd swear at them, throw gravy at a camera and we'd cut to a commercial break. But they unionized and we're home alone this year. 

I spent the time, much like you, sipping Japanese whisky and losing a vanilla scented wishbone toy tug of war to a pitbull who was purchased as a puppy from a homeless fellow on Bourbon St. Typical American stereotype, I know. My true Thanksgiving Day obsession, though, is fried turkey from McHardy's on Broad St. Here's a link to their IG as they're too busy frying amazing shit to make a website for you. Tell them Snacktion News sent you to enjoy a delightful, confused look on their faces.

I reached out to the news team to see what they wanted to share about their day with you while you're avoiding your family.

Mike Hllywa has a few dozen children and animals as it's proper procedure in Amish Country.

MTD: Hllywa! Anything you'd like to share on this nap based holliday?

MH: ALL HAIL TRYPTOPHZZZZZZZZZ

MTD: I should have reached out to him earlier.

MTD: Derwood Morris is a renowned turkey lover. Derwood, what's memorable so far?

DM: 41st consecutive Thanksgiving without brussel sprouts. Looking forward to 42.

MTD: Setting goals can pay off, children. I hope kids aren't watching this program. We've painted some grim word illustrations about a hypothetical BBQ Peppa Pig.

MTD: Snacktion Reporter One (she won a dispute to be one instead of 1) Nicole Amstutz has a Thanksgiving tradition. How's it going, Nikki?

NA: It's an overrated holiday that I have never liked. I spent the day disc golfing, as is my tradition.

MTD: Oh, I *shuffles papers* Is there a traditional food that goes with turkey day disc golf? Funnel cake, I assume.

NA: I'm eating left over pizza now. I don't care much for traditional thanksgiving foods. 

MTD: Way to throw an Empire State Building mini statue on to the Woody Woodpecker balloon. 

NA: Although, I cooked last year for my friends who couldn't see their families and were sad. Knocked it out of the park with my first turkey and even made a non-dairy mac and cheese due to a friend's lactose intolerance. It was amazing.

MTD: Nicole comes through with the heartwarming story. Thanks, Nikki. Somebody pull that balloon off of Mr. Pitts. 

I hope everybody out there enjoys the holiday. Let us know your favorite side in the comments on our website. I'm going to shotgun gravy until I think the Saints might beat the Bills.

America's Pastime: Eating Hot Dogs

Welcome back, viewer. That was quite the hiatus. If you weren't watching, we ran a 128 hour infomercial about the Neverending Snorey pillow which promised a seemingly never ending nap filled with dreams about flying around on some kind of dog-dragon. Turns out their secret to such a fancy pillow was the memory foam chunks were soaked in chloroform. Then we were preempted by the World Series. Congrats go out to the Atlanta Braves defeating the much maligned Houston Astros despite the Braves playing without the injured, star of the future and present, Ronald Acuna Jr.

Which brings us to America's Pastime. Sure, it used to be baseball in the 1930's but now it's eating and being an asshole on Twitter. Here at Snacktion we aren't going to delve into the hardest hit question "is a hot dog a sandwich?" Or even Joey Chestnut. Okay, that's a lie. Instead we' re going to focus on what's your favorite grocery store hot dog. Let's goooo! To Mike Hllywa.

MTD: Let's start off with two facts and a question. I got you hooked on the Smartless podcast with Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Sean Hayes. You're from Southern California. Have you ever had a Dodger Dog that Bateman won't shut up about even though he gets vegetarian? Which I assume is a stick of celery in a gluten free bun.

MH: I've had a Dodger Dog once. I threw it up after the game. It was the first Dodgers game I went to.

MTD: Drunk?

MH: I was, like, eight. So, no.

MTD: Do you remember it being good going down?

MW: I remember it sucked coming back up. My dad pulled off the 101 freeway onto Sunset Blvd. and that's where I threw up. Like a true rock star.

MTD: So to recap, eight-years-old at your first Dodgers game. Went to Sunset to party with River Phoenix and Johnny Depp but couldn't hold your liquor. What a scoop.

MTD: After that ringing endorsement, I can assume the Dodgers won't be sending me a sample case. Okay, top choice for hot dog going down the weird meat isle at WaWa?

MH: Ballpark. All day, every day.

MTD: Favorite size? I've heard it matters. *awkward wink at camera* Or type? They have prime, angus, regular?

MH: I work for a Foodservice company. I have multiple options for dogs. The 1/4 pound looks like a small tree branch . You need hoagie rolls for them.

MTD: Did you talk to HR about getting a real job? Say there's no ballpark because the Amish in your neck of the woods were celebrating a barn raising, what now? 

MH: Bar S. Walmart brand. Surprisingly not shitty.

MTD: Mmmhmm. Sponsor money rolling in.

MH: I sprinkle salt on them before cooking because I'm bougie. 

MTD: Okay. How do you dress your dog, fancy pants?

MH: I'm basic. Ketchup and mustard.

MTD: Soooo bougie. My wife is having an argument at work. Does adding chili make it a separate kind of hot dog or do you assume chili?

MH: If you add chili, it's basically soup at that point.

*off camera*

MTD: We're doing a news segment on hot dogs because World Series or some shit. Who comes up with this?

Derwood Morris: Will Earl Campbell be involved? That might be sausages.

MTD: What did Earl Campbell do to sausages?

DM: Jesus I hope he didn't do anything TO them. He advertises them.

MTD: I thought I missed something.

DM: They're on the top shelf at Kroger.

MTD: Earl Campbell's Beef Hot Links. Number three when you google him.

DM: What a terrible name for a product. 

MTD: There's a chicken, pork & beef product. An all inclusive frankenweiner. Parts of shoes welcome.

*shuffles papers, 3,2, finger point*

MTD: Derwood, when you're roaming Kroger and find yourself in the hot dog section, what's your go to?

DM: Turkey, I guess Oscar Meyer.

MTD: Turkey? What do you have against OG, mystery meat hot dogs?!

DM: I don't eat pork or beef.

MTD: I think most of them are made of those rubber pellets that dome teams use for artificial turf.

MTD: Do you have a better story than Hllywa yacking up a Dodger Dog on Sunset Blvd? It's so romantic.

DM: My best is probably the night I made four turkey hotdogs for me and Marc, he said after I made them he didn't want any so I ate all 4 in about 12 seconds.

MTD: By my math, if you ate a turkey dog every 3 seconds, that would be 200 in ten minutes. Joey Chestnuts record is 76. 

DM: I wonder if Chestnut's kryptonite is turkey hotdogs. I show up and challenge him, but it's turkey. He eats maybe four and a half...pointed and laughed out of the American Legion hall.

MTD: I don't see any turkey on his resume. Wait, why is your imaginary turkey dog contest at the American Legion? He ate 103 Krystals in 8 minutes. 

DM: 103 in 8 minutes? That would've won our competition but barely.

MTD: 54 brain tacos in 8 minutes at the World Brain Eating Competition in 2013 in Minnesota. 

MTD: So do you have go to topping for the turkey dog? Is it a mustard type situation?

DM: Mustard always. But I make mediocre chili sometimes and throw that on there. I call them my Mediocre Chili Pretty Good Turkey Hot Dog hot dogs. 

MTD: We’re already working on trade marks for Derwood’s Mediocre Chili Pretty Good Turkey Hot Dog hot dogs. Rolls right off the tongue. Anything else you want to add about hot dogs?

DM: Corduroy pants?

MTD: Thanks Derwood. Hard to tell if he's trying to make corduroy pants his catch phrase or if he assumes they're in the hot dogs.

Listen kids, very carefully. There is a right answer to best grocery store hot dog. It’s not whatever ever jibber-jabber you just heard from our field team in Pennsylvania and Georgia. Nathan’s makes a great product, that’s what they use on the 4th of July for Joey Chestnut to take home mustard belt after mustard belt. But that’s not it.

Hebrew National is the finest grocery store hot dog you can buy. Should you use bacon bits as a topping? Apparently, that is frowned upon. If you're going to go for it though, you can wrap uncooked strips of bacon around the uncooked hot dog. You're going to need wooden toothpicks to keep the bacon on because the next step is deep frying that son of a bitch. But Hebrew National is the top dog. Regret that immediately, can we get that removed in post with me saying something cool? Then why do we have people in that booth? In case I say - - - - on air? How many times has that happened? Really? That seems high.

Anyway, ketchup should not be involved with hot dogs it’s not a hill I’ll die on but this train wreck of an American classic deserves mustard. Yellow, brown, spicy. I don’t give a - - - -. Sauerkraut, onions, jalapeños. If you aren’t ashamed of yourself after having a proper hot dog, you need a better plan. And that’s why we do this show. To help you, viewer. What’s your favorite grocery store hot dog and topping? I’ve been told you can comment somewhere on our website.