Are Sour Patch Kids The Greatest Candy Ever

Yes. End of news segment. *takes off pants* I have to fill more time? 

Sour Patch Kids have been around for longer than you'd think. There's been a variation since the 1970's but they were rebranded to Sour Patch Kids in 1985. They're doing some weird stuff with them now but the original Sour Patch Kids are probably the greatest candy ever. They're sour, then sweet and sometimes light your house on fire. I think that's how the ad campaign goes. Well, since we have time to kill before Frank complains about food on Everybody Loves Raymond, Snacktion News assemble!

The original Snacktion News reporter Nicole is back with us.

MTD: Nikki, Sour Patch Kids, greatest candy ever?

NA: I don't really like candy so I can't dispute your assesment.

MTD: It's shocking we're still on the air.

MTD: Don't like candy? Is it the blatant disregard for tooth decay?

NA: I don't like how it feels in my mouth. 

MTD: All candy? Or just Sour Patch? Lifesavers are smooth.

NA: Only wint o green are acceptable.

MTD: That's fair. I do wonder if you're eating candy right, though.

Let's throw it over to Molly Mayhem to see if she likes Sour Patch.

MTD: Molly, do you have a favorite?

MM: The original one?

MTD: I *shuffles papers* Okay. Can you tell the difference in flavor between the colors?

MM: I'd like to say no. But then again, I've never tried.

MTD: I'm not sure they taste that much different but technically, green is lime, yellow is lemon, orange explains itself and red is redberry, which isn't a thing but its not cherry or strawberry.

MTD: Is it the best sour candy snack?

MM: Sour candy, yes. I like Skittles and Starburst more for fruit flavored candy though.

MTD: We get it, Molly. I'm sure Starburst will eventually send you a case of pink.

Mike Hllywa is coming to us live from some part of the northeast.

MTD: Mike, are Sour Patch Kids the greatest candy of all time?

MH: The watermelon ones are. And you can get diabetes when the bag is done.

MTD: We'll take that out in post. We're still live? Shit! Er, shoot. 

MTD: The watermelon ones are fantastic. That was actually an offshoot of Sour Patch Fruit which actually tasted like the what they were supposed to be.

MH: I didn't know that. I could bathe in the watermelon ones.

MTD: Mmhmm. What?

MTD: The regular kids, I think just taste like the color.

MH: Well, who only eats one color at a time?

MTD: Yeah,, I like putting red and yellow together.

MH: Nah, handfuls.

MTD: You're a true snacktion warrior.

MH: I've got badges to earn.

MTD: They take some time. It's an 86 year old woman who stitches them together. And I pay her in Werther's Originals.

MH: That's because she got paid before paper currency or however it is you pay us.

MTD: You guys get paid in snackbit. It should be worth something in a few years. It's a pic of a cheeto that you can sell. That's how that ape shit works, right?

Oh, Everbody Loves Ray is on. Sour Patch Kids are the best. See you next time.

The Hamburger Eating Contest Of 2000

Before Joey Chestnut shattered all the Nathan's Hot Dog eating records, I covered Takeru Kobayashi crushing hot dogs on the 4th of July. If you don't remember Kobayashi, I don't know what you're doing here. He's literally the godfather of competitive eating. He's a tiny Japanese man with the hunger of a nation. In the 2006 Krystal Square off, Koby ate 97 sliders. Why is this an important fact? In the year 2000, my friends had our own Krystal Square off.

We didn't realize we were creating a competitive eating contest for White Castle knock off Krystals. But Derwood Morris and our friend B-Mo were watching an out of state hockey feed at a Taco Mac in Atlanta and saw a commercial for 25 cent hamburgers at McDonalds. Which should have raised red Canadien flags immediately. The next day Snacktion News assembled to have a hamburger eating contest.

After going to every McDonalds in Alpharetta, GA and told to get the hell out, we settled for Krystals. Things would go south from there. If you don't know what White Castle or Krystals are, they're burger slider fast food. 

We declared a winner. It was my roommate at the time, Rob. Let's go to Rob to recap his championship performance.

MTD: Rob, it was a grueling competition. Was eating the large fries on the way home to the event a successful strategy?

R: *can't answer because of mouth full of fries*

MTD: Couldn't have waited like five minutes?

MTD: You crushed everybody. You had like 12 before the rest of us got to six. 

R: I came to win. They're tiny burgers. 

MTD: It was an impressive performance. After we couldn't eat anymore, you asked if you could finish the rest of them. That would have gotten a flag for taunting. 

R: You two were napping on the kitchen floor.

MTD: Can we remove that in editing? We are a live news cast now? 

MTD: Rob, there are allegations of you cheating. 

R: Oh, name one.

MTD: Well, you threw up over our porch. That's usually a DQ. You took a nap in the middle of it and then smoked a bowl before you ate another dozen. 

R: There was no drug testing.

MTD: Yeah, we wouldn't have fielded a team. Thanks for your time, Rob. Congrats on that title. It was disgusting. 

Thanks for watching, up next is the episode of Alf where he has a cat eating competition.

The Kit Kat Konversation

Kit Kat is a delightful chocolate covered wafer treat that you can split for your friends. Unless you're Brielle. More on that later. There's actually a sugary rich history about Kit Kat going back to 1935. Kit only had four fingers. That's why he designed them that way. Don't look that up.

I asked Mike Hllywa what his favorite flavor of Kit Kat was. 

MH: There's more than the original?

MTD; Did we stop reading resumes? 

MTD: Yes, key lime pie was their recent big hit.

MH: That sounds terrible.

MTD: *muffled voice* Not terrible. Once you get through the first one, just jam the rest in your mouth.

MTD: They apparently make a fruit loops one.

MW: Can I fire them?

MTD: Pretty sure big candy has a board of directors.

MTD: But we do have Molly Mayhem on the scene to review the fruity ones. 

MTD: Brielle, the Kit Kats are basically perforated and perfect for splitting. What's your trouble with them?

Brielle: *takes bite down the middle top*

MTD: You're a monster. *shuffles papers* Molly, Kit Kat perfume?

MM: Sure.

MTD: I'll get R&D on the phone and see if we can monetize this. Do news stations have research and development? Kenny? Oh, I'm still on air. 

MTD: Thank you, ladies. Wonderful reporting. I'm glad we all wore matching uniforms. It was hard for me to find candy corn compression socks. As far as Kit Kats go, Molly is right. The Japanese flavors are out of control. We'll circle around to that a later date. Mmm, wasabi. My favorite of the current group? Kit Kat ice cream. I like to mix my dessert with another dessert. 

After weather, there's an episode of Two and a Half Men, Alan does something dumb and Charlie sleeps with someone.