How To Start St Patrick's Day

If you're like me and got sunburned yesterday because it was only partly cloudy, today is an important holiday. Happy St. Patrick's day, viewer. I hope you're wearing green or I'll pinch you! I'm just kidding, let's get drunk. We don't have time for the history lesson plus we gave our researcher, Wiki O'Pedia, the day off for religious "research." *glug glug wink wink*

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day so why should this Thursday be any different? Except, you know, we're going to Irish this one up a bit. Here's how you start St. Patrick's Day.

1. Pour Lucky Charms

We used the Limited Edition Magic Clovers because let's see if it will turn our "milk" green. 

2. Make Milk

Here's where the Irish comes in. Aside from the Lucky Charms, date, green and the rest of this feature. I figure 2 oz of Jameson Irish Whiskey and 2 oz of Ryan's Irish cream = milk. Feel free to double check my marth. Math. There was a test barth. Bath. Batch. 

3. Add Milk 

We're done with the easy steps. Shirts about to get real. 

4. Eat your St. Cereal

5. Fight through it

Pour decisions.

6. Leftover Milk!

Here we go...

Wooooo! *Ric Flair strut* Who's ready for work? *checks where watch should be on wrist*

Okay, it appears I have time for a review. 

The Lucky Charms actually turned the booze green which would have made a fantastic creamer for coffee had I prepared this before just now. It didn't add much flavor to the Irish whiskey and Irish cream. I did not give it a long time to settle in as the booze soaked cereal was not ideal. Really got to shovel that down in a hurry.

 

The marshmellows in liquor were obviously better since they carry negative nutritional value. Overall, it's a solid St. Patty's Day breakfast. Or for every other Thursday morning. I'm going to have it for lunch today. Okay, let's go to work. 

I haven't left the kitchen, seriously, how far could my pants have gone already?

Lay's Claims Messi is the GOAT

Now in sports, football! Russell Wilson was traded to. I'm being told I've mispronounced football. Futbol? I'm being told I left the l'accent aigu off. I knew we shouldn't have hired Zidane as an intern. He did shred the shit out of that document though.

Today, in soccer, Cristiano Ronaldo broke the all time FIFA goal scoring record at 806. He added 807 for the hat trick to beat my Tottenham Hotspur. With the all time goal record, does that make him the GOAT?

Lay's doesn't think so, awarding that title to Lionel Messi. Messi was awarded with a limited edition GOAT bag of Cheddar and Jalapeno chips. Mike Hllwya firmly believes Ronaldo is the GOAT but he didn't sign a deal with Lay's. So, let's try the Messi bag before we invent chip flavors for future soccer GOATs. Futbol GOATs? No, I don't know how to add the aigu, Zizou!

Messi: Cheddar and Jalapeno

They taste a lot like Lay's Cheddar and Jalapeno chips. 

There's a subtle difference. The Messi chips have a bit more kick to them. Just give me the Emmy now. The Messi ones do have a bit more spice to them. The American football Cheddar and Jalapeno are cheesier. Thanks again, Green Bay.

After I spent shipping on a bag of chips with a soccer player's face on it, why not give them some more free marketing ideas. Mike will start us off with his top pick...

Cristiano Ronaldo: Bacalhau a Braz

 

Dear Lays,

 

You are wrong.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me

 

Ronaldo, being the actual GOAT and not an imposter (And as the resident authority at Snacktion News, I can say that), gets to choose his own chip flavor. Of course, he could choose something simple, but Ronaldo’s ability to complicate defenders brains with his fancy foot work means the chip is anything but simple.

 

You ready for this, Lays? Bacalhau a Braz. Get to work.

 

No Goat in this dish, because Ronaldo recognizes only one GOAT in any room at any time. Instead, this chip comes from a dish that is a mixture of cod, onions, sliced potatoes and scrambled eggs. Silky smooth scrambled eggs, tough potatoes, fish to confuse you and onions to make you cry when he goes “SIUUUUU” near the corner flag after another amazing finish. Really, Frito-Lay, how could you get all of this so wrong? Don’t worry. The crew here has you covered.

MTD: My picks played against Ronaldo today.

Harry Kane: Fish and Vinegar

Kane is also rising up the ranks of career Premier League goals. Lay's could celebrate his English heritage with a British staple, fish and chips. The chips could have a nice fishy taste with a hint of malt vinegar. The chip part is the chip and, for the love of the Queen, don't tell me chips are actually fries across the pond. 

Son Heung-min: Japchae

Sonny is another Tottenham Hotspur legend in his prime. The South Korean highlight machine probably has a kimchi chip named after him already and if he doesn't, hit me, Son. 

So, we go with Japchae here. It would season a chip well. Sweet potato stir fry with thin cut vegetables, hint of beef and sugar. Yes, I do take Venmo, Lay's. Also, this guy should be the face of soccer.

MTD: Back to Mike...

Erling Haaland: Mutton and Cabbage

 

Now that we have covered the more established footballers, how about we touch on one of the young guns. Erling has been a legend since he was five years old and reportedly recorded a world record standing long jump for five year-olds when he leapt 1.63 meters (or 5.34 feet). Now, he is a 21 year-old, 6’4”, 194 lb. monster leading the front line for Borussia Dortmund in the Bundesliga. He’s a special striker in that, aside from being fast and athletic, watching any YouTube video of his highlights you would be convinced that at least once he has scored a goal after ripping an opposing defenders head off and spitting down his neck.

 

This leads us to his brand of chip. As the top Norwegian player in the world, his chip is Mutton and Cabbage. He is not the GOAT at this moment, but lamb is a good start. The dish sounds like a punch in the face, making it apropo for the branding. Haaland scares the bejeesus out of me, and probably most of the centerbacks in Germany as well. Hell, the cabbage alone would force me to give him a wide birth.

MTD: I was kidding about free marketing, Lay's. We've already trademarked mutton and cabbage chips. Now, we just sit back and let that mutton money roll down the countryside. The crunch is hoof. 

Snacktion News Solves The Fair Crisis

rube [roob] noun

1 : an unsophisticated person from a rural area

2 : a naive or inexperienced person

Hey there, viewer. On this special field trip edition of Snacktion News, we go to a fly by night fair where New Orleans used to host a Triple A baseball team named the Baby Cakes. They left us for the bright lights of Wichita. But I love food on a stick and after covering baseball for years, I'm going to fleece this fair for thousands of dollars of stuffed Scooby Doos by knocking down metal blocks with a wiffle ball. How do you guys even make money?

There are keys to a successful fair. First, you have to make friends with the most important workers at the event. As you saw in the intro footage, we stopped to shake fins with Gopher and Bubbles. They're not only going to know where the fresh fish is but also the strategy to winning any aquatic games. 

Then you have to get a good base in before you waste too much money on funnel cake. I'd suggest a $15 chicken on a stick. 

While that might seem like a 300% profit margin for the fair, remember it's on a stick and you're winning this all back when you sell those stuffed Rick and Mortys on eBay. Sure you could buy a dozen of them for what you spent on one turn of the game but are those Championship Mortys? I don't think so.

Let's go win some prizes. 

Winning Gold Fish Bowl

Get your tickets to redeem your goldfish. $5 for a bucket of ping pong balls you toss at rows of little fish bowls. Get one in, win a fish. Here's the trick, just say you got one in, they aren't paying attention. We'll come back and collect our fish on the way out, thank you. 

Winning Throw A Wiffle Ball at a Board Into a Milk Crate

I follow Pitching Ninja on Twitter so I know my grips and angles and movement. This is no problem. 

*$20 later*

I'm just going to regroup. Rethink the strategy. You don't just strike out Mike Trout on three pitches.

$8 Thinking Fried Cookie Dough 

Scientifically, fried desserts open the critical thinking endorphins in the brain. Similar to alcohol. These end up being more batter than cookie dough. But it's still fried and covered in enough powdered sugar to kill Bubbles. Now that I have enough sugary grip, it's time to knock down some blocks with a softball. 

Winning Knock 3 Blocks Off a Stand with a Plush Softball

I don't even need the 3 balls for $10 deal but what's one extra stuffed Pickle Rick gonna do? Get me in the express lane on the highway? This calls for Mariano Rivera's wipeout cutter at the bottom block. 

*$20 later*

I should see if I can sign the operator's kid. He's crushing this block game and he's like 8. 

Winning Pop Balloons With Darts

Just a Thursday night at the bar.

*$20 later*

I haven't had enough to drink to be good at darts yet. Rookie mistake.

Ride Break

For not charging anything, the porto-potties end up being a terrifying and relieving experience. 

$9 Fueling Up Fried Honey Bun

This is better than the cookie dough as it's an entire honey bun battered and deep fried. And, let's not forgot, it's on a stick. Which equals better. Now, I'm fueled up on sugar, let's go shoot stuff.

Winning Shooting Ducks With A BB Gun

So, I think that same kid stole all my bullets. Or, I don't know how guns work?

*$20 later*

I don't understand the 2nd Amendment. I can't even kill a picture of a duck.

Winning Throw A Wiffle Ball at a Board Into a Milk Crate Pt. 2

Right, I forgot about the Eephus pitch.

*$20 later*

Right, knuckle curveball.

*$20 later*

Right, fast ball at the operator laughing at me.

*being escorted off the property*

Sir. *straightens imaginary tie* I have to collect my fish.

Results

Maybe we didn't completely outfox the fair. But one thing is for sure, we lost a lot of money. Luckily, for the drive home...

Another $9 Fried Honey Bun

Finally

We were able to introduce Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde the goldfish into the Snacktion News family. Hopefully, the hundreds of dollars we spent can keep those poor carnies dreams alive of, maybe one day, being the most bearded woman. 

Update

Snacktion News is sad to inform you of the passing of beloved staff members Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde. There was a beautiful service where they were put to rest in a porcelain, let's call it Pac-Man. 

Rahm Haus' Whiskey Churro Ice Cream King Cake

I'd be remiss if I didn't review Rahm Haus' fantastic Whiskey Churro Ice Cream King Cake before Mardi Gras this upcoming Tuesday. 

I'm being told that Mardi Gras was last Tuesday and I've been presumed "joined a circus" by local news outlets. Including Snacktion News!? Nobody looked for me!?

Despite these disappointing revelations, I'm a professional and will continue to cover snacktion related news while I try to piece together my whereabouts for the past week by using these, I assume, Memento style tattoos. "Don't fall in the toilet again." That's just a good general advice tattoo.

Rahm Haus is a New Orleans ice cream wizard shop that drops new products every Friday night. And you better get it while it's ho, um, cold because they sell out. I procured one of their Ice Cream King Cakes back when my mental faculties could dial phone numbers and read credit card numbers. So, let's say, Thursday before Mardi Gras. 

I purchased the Whiskey Churro Ice Cream King Cake, in case you're just joining us. It had a cinnamon sugar churro base with whiskey brown butter ice cream, chocolate magic shell and whiskey caramel and candied smoke maple bacon pieces. 

It also came with an edible glitter, gold dusted piety & desire chocolate gator feve that I couldn't bring myself to eat. 

It roams my freezer now, guarding my late night poor decisions. You're right, Gold Choco Gator, I don't need a 4 am banana fudge bomb pop. 

The king cake is as described. Really a perfect combination of everything. The whiskey ice cream should be sold on its own. There's almost nothing I won't put magic shell on, up to and including [90 second commercial break] and the bacon pieces are delightful as well. You do need to let it rest before biting straight into the frozen churro base. According to one actual dentist out of the five random people I polled. 

Overall, it's an incredible take on both ice cream and king cakes. I check their website every Friday night and if you live in the New Orleans area, you should too.