She Uses Vaseline

Vaseline as a condiment? You have to be insane. We'll get to the Flaming Lips in a second. Let's set the table for this Snacktion News exclusive. Mike Hllywa is a grown adult. What's on your mind?

MH: Fork in a light socket. Thoughts?

MH: Probably a bad idea since I own my own home, right? 

MTD: It's a creative way to heat up bologna and american cheese.

MH: With mustard.

MTD: Wait, why are you doing that?

MH: Because the mustard sets it off.

MTD: No, I meant, never mind. So you've invented your own terribly dangerous George Foreman grill.

MH: And I'll do it without punching the light socket.

MTD: Does your wife realize you're crazy?

MH: Yes? Yeah. Probably. 

MTD: Just checking. You are, by the way.

MH: That means a lot for you to say that.

MTD: People tell me I'm the authority on crazy people.

MH: Do I get something? A hat?

MTD: Sure. You can pick the color.

MH: Tangerine.

Ladies and gentleman, you've just witnessed the most absurd introduction to The Flaming Lips...

Are they dead? Oh we can't afford them. That makes more sense. Here's a link to their hit She Don't Use Jelly The girl at the end uses tangerines to color her hair. Spoiler! But also how we landed here. 

Hey, Mike, Tina from corporate says we can't afford tangerine hats or hats.

The Flaming Lips originated in 1983 in, Oklahoma City? Let's say Southern California. She Don't Use Jelly came out in 1993 and was their biggest radio hit. And it raised some condiment questions for us here at Snacktion News.

1. Do people put vaseline on toast?

Yes. Yes, they do.

2. People other than Milhouse from The Simpsons?

Surprisingly, still yes. 

3. Is it delightful? 

You can get butter for a dollar. Like a four pack.

4. Is it just because of the Flaming Lips song?

Yeah, Right? Or? This is why we need money to book Wayne Coyne.

Let's go to Snacktion Reporter One, Nicole.

MTD: What do you put on toast? Any of these?

NA: Margarine.

MTD: Ah, that would have fit into the song. Wayne, why'd you leave out margarine? I'm being reminded we don't have him. Let's go to commercial.

Wasted Wednesdays At TGI Fridays

Thank God It's Fridays. Amazing timing for this news segment. Let's pretend this is a Friday. I won't bore you with the who, what, when or why of TGI Fridays even though it is a story of a dude opening a bar to meet women. It was quite the scene for industry folks in the 90's when I *checks math* had a fake ID because I'm not old.

There was flair, both bottles and pins, flowing booze, laughter, a guy named Chuck none of us knew, stripes, so many stripes. And food. Food?

Since the suits require me to talk about snacks here at Snacktion News, we'll get to those wasted Wednesdays after this appetizer. 

Potato skins were my go to because, lets face it, it's a fried loaded baked potato. And they we're delicious. So good, in fact, that Fridays decided to make a chip version of it. Are those good you wonder. Yes. So good, in fact, we had to hire Mike Hllywa's wife Amber for this segment.

MTD: Amber, you might know me from being your husband's best friend. But most likely from being the surprisingly handsome Lead Anchor of Snacktion News.

AH: Who's this?

MTD: Exactly.

MTD: TGI Fridays Potato Skin Crisps. Do you love them them more than Mike?

AW: They're a mood for me. When I'm in the mood for them, absolutely I love them more than Mike because they're fucking delicious.

MTD: Did anybody warn the new lady about swearing?

MTD: They have a ton of flavors now. Do you have a favorite?

AH: Cheddar and bacon. They have other flavors?

MTD: This is why we don't get nominated for the investigative snack news awards. 

Let's get to the main course, Ches. Ches, seen in the background behind me and his future wife, accidentally created Wasted Wednesday at a TGI Fridays luckily located smack in the middle of a cluster of other restaurants. As it turns out, restaurant employees tend to indulge in an adult beverage while they talk shit about you after their shift. 

Here's how Wasted Wednesday worked. It was more or less $20 for all you could drink. I put the LIT in Long Island Ice Teas because I was a slutty sophomore sorority girl. Then Ches and his fellow bar slinging brethren would replace the rot gut well liquor we guzzled like there was no tomorrow the next day from a grocery store. And their profit was tremendous. Sometimes tomorrow does happen and you get fired from Champps for being "still drunk" or "yelling at a baby." Then you have to go work at Bahama Breeze.

This news story has apparently gotten away from me. *shuffles papers* Right. The crisps. I feel like I say sour cream and onion for everything. They are my favorites. But what are we even doing without a Buffalo and Ranch version?

Big shout out to Ches for killing just countless brain cells. And for the great picture of me before my hair line took a detour. 

Fighting About Mayo On French Fries

The origin of mayonnaise dates back to 1742 when George Blue Plate spilled lemon juice on some chicken eggs. 

That can't be right. Wikipedia? You don't know? So...

After that fateful day when Old Man Blue Plate wrecked his chicken eggs with lemon juice and a dash of vinegar, turkey sandwiches became all the rage. It wasn't until 1994 when a documentary came out about some gangsters in California and one of them mentioned dietary preferences between the United States and something called Europe. The most damning claim was that Amsterdamians love to dip their fries in mayo instead of ketchup. When Snacktion News hears some outrageous claims like that from 30 years ago, we assemble. 

We even brought in a special correspondent, our friend and yours, Thomas Ridgely.

MTD: Tom, you're a trained chef. There's definitely a split crowd about whether mayo is a dipping sauce for fries. You're reaction?

TR: It's a dispute. Man, look, either you like fries with mayo or you're wrong. 

MTD: A dispute is a perfect way to remind our viewer that you can pull people's arms off because of karate.

TR: I don't know karate but I know Karazy.

MTD: You're new but this is a serious show.

TR: And some Jiu Jitsu, wrestling, boxing and Muay Thai.

MTD: I don't know any of that jibberish but I'm inclined to offer you our good bottled water now.

MTD: How'd you end up in Germany? To karate the Nazis?

TR: I got to Germany the same way as most people, on a flight.

MTD: DO NOT TURN ON THAT APPLAUSE SIGN

TR: To karate Nazis no but there's a great story that involves the rich history of

MTD: This commercial break is brought to you by California Raisins. They are not aging well.

TR: And you wanna know the main thing I saw people eat as a snack food?

MTD: I'll see if we have time.

TR: Fries with mayo!

MTD: Oh, shit. That's our topic today. 

TR: Since then I've made it a goal to convince people the glory of fries with mayo. 

MTD: I suspected Vincent Vega was a liar in that documentary.

TR: There's endless combinations of fry types and flavored mayo. 

MTD: Different flavored mayo. Like putting onion rings on top?

TR: Garlic dill, for example. It pairs well with

MTD: Hold on there, mayo sommelier, we're working on walking not running.

TR: A wise man once said mayo your goals I forget the rest. 

MTD: You can listen to Thomas dispense more wisdom like that on his wonderful Food Fight Podcast after he gets kicked in the head all day. But, go listen to it or he'll twist you into a pretzel and there won't be beer cheese sauce.

Let's check in with Mike Hllwya. Amish Country must love bland condiments.

MTD: Mike, you're live and we're talking fries and mayo.

MH: Nothing with mayo.

MTD: You're going on the record as anti mayo?

MH: I'm going on the record as "would willingly guillotine the creator of mayo"

MTD: How do you get the quotations to appear? Do you have a side closed captioning deal?

MTD: What about mayo makes you feel this murderous rage? Did it kill your father?

MH: It upset my bologna sandwich once. 

MTD: Have you considered bologna as the culprit?

MH: How dare you, sir.

MTD: We've been talking about a bologna intervention for you around the office.

MH: You can goddamn try. Your office is a Scrooge McDuck swimming pool of Trolli Crunchy Worms. 

MTD: That reminds me, the dentist is coming to replace our teeth again next Tuesday. 

What

*shuffles papers*

Fries and mayo! Maybe Snacktion Reporter extraordinaire Nicole Amstutz will be less combative.

MTD: Nikki, fries and mayo?

NA: Mayo is only acceptable in aioli form.

MTD: I don't know how you guys got so fancy. I kinda look at payroll.

NA: Once I mixed mayo with soy sauce and Tony's and that was pretty delicious with fries.

MTD: Mayo, soy sauce and Tony Chachere's sounds delicious. How drunk were you?

NA: I was not. I was at work and the dipping options were limited. I like to dip.

MTD: Can we afford the rights to play Freak Nasty's Da Dip?! She put that on a tee for us. What's her aioli budget?!

Clearly my team is on the fence about this debate and one Snacktion Reporter spent our Freak Nasty money on a truffle ailoi. I'm going to side with Thomas. It took a long time for me to come around to the nonsense happening across the pond. But give it a shot. It's good. Tabasco makes a mayo. That's the top ruined egg sauce in my opinion.

Does Tabasco send me a check for that directly? 

A Love Letter From Lemonheads

As a snack professional, I spend a lot of time at Family Dollar. And if you guys don't start buying whatever shampoo we peddle during commercial breaks, I'm going to have to work there instead of just helping unload the delivery truck on Tuesdays. Anyway, I'm digging through the boxes to get first dibs on snacks when I come across that beautiful love letter on the back of Tropical Lemonheads bites. 

I didn't realize Lemonheads were so sentimental. LH has been thinking about our friendship since they first burst onto the scene in Boston in 1986. Evan Dando originally wanted to call the band The Whelps. After high school, Dando enrolled at Skidmore College. 

I'm being told I've gone to the wrong Wikipedia page. I'll *shuffles papers*

Lemonheads were introduced in 1962 by the Ferrara Candy Company and tried country music before finding their alt rock sound with a sweet coating, soft sour shell and hard candy core. 

Despite their claims that my memory works, I don't recall caring for the taste, texture or cover of Mrs. Robinson. But let's check in with Mike Hllywa just in case I'm wrong. 

MTD: I bought those Lemonhead tropical bites because of the sentimental note on the back. Do not eat the pink ones. I think they're urinal cake flavored. Blue is delightful, though. I don't think I liked the originals. Your thoughts?

MH: I've only had regular lemonheads. And, no bullshit, they work like lemon drops and kept my voice from cracking when I was singing in bands. They're a godsend.

MTD: Did I get drunk and write that box blurb after one of your Lemonhead shows? I'm going to have to talk to legal again. 

MH: It reads like something you wrote. I emailed Tina already.

MTD: I hate Tina. But she was willing to work for snackbit.

MH: Is that the fake crypto currency you're supposedly paying us with?

MTD: Yes, it's pictures of cheetos before I eat them.

MH: How do we cash them in?

MTD: Now IS a good time for a commercial break, thanks Mike.

Brought To You By: Trolli SOUR CRUNCHY Crawlers

In order to keep the lights on here at Snacktion News, we've decided to take on some commercial sponsors. Our snack budget has gotten out of control since we fired our accountant to save money. We're currently using candy necklaces as an abacus to figure out our finances. Which brings us to today's commercial break brought to you by Trolli.

So get this, Trolli was turned into a candy company from a pasta company when Germany lifted its sugar rationing regulations in 1948. It basically became Trolli in 1975 when it registered the brand name. Ownership has changed hands over the times from Kraft, Nabisco, Wrigley and what I assume now is a maniacal cartoon villain. 

Most likely, you know them as the worm equivalent to Sour Patch Kids. And they are delightful. But that's not why I'm interrupting your regularly scheduled programming. No, this is much more dear to my slightly fuller cash filled heart. It's the Trolli SOUR CRUNCHY Crawlers! I don't know why they only yell the first part on the packaging. 

Yes, you still get the gummi worm but it's covered in a hard candy shell. Crunchy then chewy? Why? And gross. Are the most common reactions while I peddle these to unexpecting strangers on Bourbon St. It's actually the same response from the Family Dollar when I go in there with the shakes and berate cashiers for being out of stock.

Let me try to paint a prettier word picture about this wonderful candy as the suits are currently shaking their heads in disapproval of my glowing ad. You get three flavor profiles. Pink has a strawberry candy shell with a green watermelon center. Why do the colors matters? You taste with your eyes as well, bozos. 

I'm being told to not criticize the assholes I'm marketing to.

*shuffles papers* 

Green is a lime candy shell with a cherry worm inside. Blue is blue raspberry shell with orange innards. I enjoy the crunchiness before the chewiness. Lime-cherry is my favorite. I don't know if the candy shell has any flavor as I crush through them like a dog trying to find the squeaker in a toy. I am, however, trying to get more people to agree with me and to make sure these Trolli checks clear. Let me and Trolli know what you think in the comment section of our website. 

Can't find Trolli Crunchy worms? Send a self stamped envelope to our home office in the Cayman Islands. The first bag is free.

The first bag is not free and we're taking $500 out of your PayPal for viewing whatever this was

Happy Thanksgiving from Snacktion News

 

Happy Thanksgiving, viewer. I hope you're enjoying this food based holiday. Usually a producer would chime in now about it being a family holiday, I'd swear at them, throw gravy at a camera and we'd cut to a commercial break. But they unionized and we're home alone this year. 

I spent the time, much like you, sipping Japanese whisky and losing a vanilla scented wishbone toy tug of war to a pitbull who was purchased as a puppy from a homeless fellow on Bourbon St. Typical American stereotype, I know. My true Thanksgiving Day obsession, though, is fried turkey from McHardy's on Broad St. Here's a link to their IG as they're too busy frying amazing shit to make a website for you. Tell them Snacktion News sent you to enjoy a delightful, confused look on their faces.

I reached out to the news team to see what they wanted to share about their day with you while you're avoiding your family.

Mike Hllywa has a few dozen children and animals as it's proper procedure in Amish Country.

MTD: Hllywa! Anything you'd like to share on this nap based holliday?

MH: ALL HAIL TRYPTOPHZZZZZZZZZ

MTD: I should have reached out to him earlier.

MTD: Derwood Morris is a renowned turkey lover. Derwood, what's memorable so far?

DM: 41st consecutive Thanksgiving without brussel sprouts. Looking forward to 42.

MTD: Setting goals can pay off, children. I hope kids aren't watching this program. We've painted some grim word illustrations about a hypothetical BBQ Peppa Pig.

MTD: Snacktion Reporter One (she won a dispute to be one instead of 1) Nicole Amstutz has a Thanksgiving tradition. How's it going, Nikki?

NA: It's an overrated holiday that I have never liked. I spent the day disc golfing, as is my tradition.

MTD: Oh, I *shuffles papers* Is there a traditional food that goes with turkey day disc golf? Funnel cake, I assume.

NA: I'm eating left over pizza now. I don't care much for traditional thanksgiving foods. 

MTD: Way to throw an Empire State Building mini statue on to the Woody Woodpecker balloon. 

NA: Although, I cooked last year for my friends who couldn't see their families and were sad. Knocked it out of the park with my first turkey and even made a non-dairy mac and cheese due to a friend's lactose intolerance. It was amazing.

MTD: Nicole comes through with the heartwarming story. Thanks, Nikki. Somebody pull that balloon off of Mr. Pitts. 

I hope everybody out there enjoys the holiday. Let us know your favorite side in the comments on our website. I'm going to shotgun gravy until I think the Saints might beat the Bills.

America's Pastime: Eating Hot Dogs

Welcome back, viewer. That was quite the hiatus. If you weren't watching, we ran a 128 hour infomercial about the Neverending Snorey pillow which promised a seemingly never ending nap filled with dreams about flying around on some kind of dog-dragon. Turns out their secret to such a fancy pillow was the memory foam chunks were soaked in chloroform. Then we were preempted by the World Series. Congrats go out to the Atlanta Braves defeating the much maligned Houston Astros despite the Braves playing without the injured, star of the future and present, Ronald Acuna Jr.

Which brings us to America's Pastime. Sure, it used to be baseball in the 1930's but now it's eating and being an asshole on Twitter. Here at Snacktion we aren't going to delve into the hardest hit question "is a hot dog a sandwich?" Or even Joey Chestnut. Okay, that's a lie. Instead we' re going to focus on what's your favorite grocery store hot dog. Let's goooo! To Mike Hllywa.

MTD: Let's start off with two facts and a question. I got you hooked on the Smartless podcast with Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Sean Hayes. You're from Southern California. Have you ever had a Dodger Dog that Bateman won't shut up about even though he gets vegetarian? Which I assume is a stick of celery in a gluten free bun.

MH: I've had a Dodger Dog once. I threw it up after the game. It was the first Dodgers game I went to.

MTD: Drunk?

MH: I was, like, eight. So, no.

MTD: Do you remember it being good going down?

MW: I remember it sucked coming back up. My dad pulled off the 101 freeway onto Sunset Blvd. and that's where I threw up. Like a true rock star.

MTD: So to recap, eight-years-old at your first Dodgers game. Went to Sunset to party with River Phoenix and Johnny Depp but couldn't hold your liquor. What a scoop.

MTD: After that ringing endorsement, I can assume the Dodgers won't be sending me a sample case. Okay, top choice for hot dog going down the weird meat isle at WaWa?

MH: Ballpark. All day, every day.

MTD: Favorite size? I've heard it matters. *awkward wink at camera* Or type? They have prime, angus, regular?

MH: I work for a Foodservice company. I have multiple options for dogs. The 1/4 pound looks like a small tree branch . You need hoagie rolls for them.

MTD: Did you talk to HR about getting a real job? Say there's no ballpark because the Amish in your neck of the woods were celebrating a barn raising, what now? 

MH: Bar S. Walmart brand. Surprisingly not shitty.

MTD: Mmmhmm. Sponsor money rolling in.

MH: I sprinkle salt on them before cooking because I'm bougie. 

MTD: Okay. How do you dress your dog, fancy pants?

MH: I'm basic. Ketchup and mustard.

MTD: Soooo bougie. My wife is having an argument at work. Does adding chili make it a separate kind of hot dog or do you assume chili?

MH: If you add chili, it's basically soup at that point.

*off camera*

MTD: We're doing a news segment on hot dogs because World Series or some shit. Who comes up with this?

Derwood Morris: Will Earl Campbell be involved? That might be sausages.

MTD: What did Earl Campbell do to sausages?

DM: Jesus I hope he didn't do anything TO them. He advertises them.

MTD: I thought I missed something.

DM: They're on the top shelf at Kroger.

MTD: Earl Campbell's Beef Hot Links. Number three when you google him.

DM: What a terrible name for a product. 

MTD: There's a chicken, pork & beef product. An all inclusive frankenweiner. Parts of shoes welcome.

*shuffles papers, 3,2, finger point*

MTD: Derwood, when you're roaming Kroger and find yourself in the hot dog section, what's your go to?

DM: Turkey, I guess Oscar Meyer.

MTD: Turkey? What do you have against OG, mystery meat hot dogs?!

DM: I don't eat pork or beef.

MTD: I think most of them are made of those rubber pellets that dome teams use for artificial turf.

MTD: Do you have a better story than Hllywa yacking up a Dodger Dog on Sunset Blvd? It's so romantic.

DM: My best is probably the night I made four turkey hotdogs for me and Marc, he said after I made them he didn't want any so I ate all 4 in about 12 seconds.

MTD: By my math, if you ate a turkey dog every 3 seconds, that would be 200 in ten minutes. Joey Chestnuts record is 76. 

DM: I wonder if Chestnut's kryptonite is turkey hotdogs. I show up and challenge him, but it's turkey. He eats maybe four and a half...pointed and laughed out of the American Legion hall.

MTD: I don't see any turkey on his resume. Wait, why is your imaginary turkey dog contest at the American Legion? He ate 103 Krystals in 8 minutes. 

DM: 103 in 8 minutes? That would've won our competition but barely.

MTD: 54 brain tacos in 8 minutes at the World Brain Eating Competition in 2013 in Minnesota. 

MTD: So do you have go to topping for the turkey dog? Is it a mustard type situation?

DM: Mustard always. But I make mediocre chili sometimes and throw that on there. I call them my Mediocre Chili Pretty Good Turkey Hot Dog hot dogs. 

MTD: We’re already working on trade marks for Derwood’s Mediocre Chili Pretty Good Turkey Hot Dog hot dogs. Rolls right off the tongue. Anything else you want to add about hot dogs?

DM: Corduroy pants?

MTD: Thanks Derwood. Hard to tell if he's trying to make corduroy pants his catch phrase or if he assumes they're in the hot dogs.

Listen kids, very carefully. There is a right answer to best grocery store hot dog. It’s not whatever ever jibber-jabber you just heard from our field team in Pennsylvania and Georgia. Nathan’s makes a great product, that’s what they use on the 4th of July for Joey Chestnut to take home mustard belt after mustard belt. But that’s not it.

Hebrew National is the finest grocery store hot dog you can buy. Should you use bacon bits as a topping? Apparently, that is frowned upon. If you're going to go for it though, you can wrap uncooked strips of bacon around the uncooked hot dog. You're going to need wooden toothpicks to keep the bacon on because the next step is deep frying that son of a bitch. But Hebrew National is the top dog. Regret that immediately, can we get that removed in post with me saying something cool? Then why do we have people in that booth? In case I say - - - - on air? How many times has that happened? Really? That seems high.

Anyway, ketchup should not be involved with hot dogs it’s not a hill I’ll die on but this train wreck of an American classic deserves mustard. Yellow, brown, spicy. I don’t give a - - - -. Sauerkraut, onions, jalapeños. If you aren’t ashamed of yourself after having a proper hot dog, you need a better plan. And that’s why we do this show. To help you, viewer. What’s your favorite grocery store hot dog and topping? I’ve been told you can comment somewhere on our website.