Now in sports, football! Russell Wilson was traded to. I'm being told I've mispronounced football. Futbol? I'm being told I left the l'accent aigu off. I knew we shouldn't have hired Zidane as an intern. He did shred the shit out of that document though.
Today, in soccer, Cristiano Ronaldo broke the all time FIFA goal scoring record at 806. He added 807 for the hat trick to beat my Tottenham Hotspur. With the all time goal record, does that make him the GOAT?
Lay's doesn't think so, awarding that title to Lionel Messi. Messi was awarded with a limited edition GOAT bag of Cheddar and Jalapeno chips. Mike Hllwya firmly believes Ronaldo is the GOAT but he didn't sign a deal with Lay's. So, let's try the Messi bag before we invent chip flavors for future soccer GOATs. Futbol GOATs? No, I don't know how to add the aigu, Zizou!
Messi: Cheddar and Jalapeno
They taste a lot like Lay's Cheddar and Jalapeno chips.
There's a subtle difference. The Messi chips have a bit more kick to them. Just give me the Emmy now. The Messi ones do have a bit more spice to them. The American football Cheddar and Jalapeno are cheesier. Thanks again, Green Bay.
After I spent shipping on a bag of chips with a soccer player's face on it, why not give them some more free marketing ideas. Mike will start us off with his top pick...
Cristiano Ronaldo: Bacalhau a Braz
Dear Lays,
You are wrong.
Sincerely,
Me
Ronaldo, being the actual GOAT and not an imposter (And as the resident authority at Snacktion News, I can say that), gets to choose his own chip flavor. Of course, he could choose something simple, but Ronaldo’s ability to complicate defenders brains with his fancy foot work means the chip is anything but simple.
You ready for this, Lays? Bacalhau a Braz. Get to work.
No Goat in this dish, because Ronaldo recognizes only one GOAT in any room at any time. Instead, this chip comes from a dish that is a mixture of cod, onions, sliced potatoes and scrambled eggs. Silky smooth scrambled eggs, tough potatoes, fish to confuse you and onions to make you cry when he goes “SIUUUUU” near the corner flag after another amazing finish. Really, Frito-Lay, how could you get all of this so wrong? Don’t worry. The crew here has you covered.
MTD: My picks played against Ronaldo today.
Harry Kane: Fish and Vinegar
Kane is also rising up the ranks of career Premier League goals. Lay's could celebrate his English heritage with a British staple, fish and chips. The chips could have a nice fishy taste with a hint of malt vinegar. The chip part is the chip and, for the love of the Queen, don't tell me chips are actually fries across the pond.
Son Heung-min: Japchae
Sonny is another Tottenham Hotspur legend in his prime. The South Korean highlight machine probably has a kimchi chip named after him already and if he doesn't, hit me, Son.
So, we go with Japchae here. It would season a chip well. Sweet potato stir fry with thin cut vegetables, hint of beef and sugar. Yes, I do take Venmo, Lay's. Also, this guy should be the face of soccer.
Erling Haaland: Mutton and Cabbage
Now that we have covered the more established footballers, how about we touch on one of the young guns. Erling has been a legend since he was five years old and reportedly recorded a world record standing long jump for five year-olds when he leapt 1.63 meters (or 5.34 feet). Now, he is a 21 year-old, 6’4”, 194 lb. monster leading the front line for Borussia Dortmund in the Bundesliga. He’s a special striker in that, aside from being fast and athletic, watching any YouTube video of his highlights you would be convinced that at least once he has scored a goal after ripping an opposing defenders head off and spitting down his neck.
This leads us to his brand of chip. As the top Norwegian player in the world, his chip is Mutton and Cabbage. He is not the GOAT at this moment, but lamb is a good start. The dish sounds like a punch in the face, making it apropo for the branding. Haaland scares the bejeesus out of me, and probably most of the centerbacks in Germany as well. Hell, the cabbage alone would force me to give him a wide birth.
MTD: I was kidding about free marketing, Lay's. We've already trademarked mutton and cabbage chips. Now, we just sit back and let that mutton money roll down the countryside. The crunch is hoof.
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