Welcome back, viewer. That was quite the hiatus. If you weren't watching, we ran a 128 hour infomercial about the Neverending Snorey pillow which promised a seemingly never ending nap filled with dreams about flying around on some kind of dog-dragon. Turns out their secret to such a fancy pillow was the memory foam chunks were soaked in chloroform. Then we were preempted by the World Series. Congrats go out to the Atlanta Braves defeating the much maligned Houston Astros despite the Braves playing without the injured, star of the future and present, Ronald Acuna Jr.
Which brings us to America's Pastime. Sure, it used to be baseball in the 1930's but now it's eating and being an asshole on Twitter. Here at Snacktion we aren't going to delve into the hardest hit question "is a hot dog a sandwich?" Or even Joey Chestnut. Okay, that's a lie. Instead we' re going to focus on what's your favorite grocery store hot dog. Let's goooo! To Mike Hllywa.
MTD: Let's start off with two facts and a question. I got you hooked on the Smartless podcast with Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Sean Hayes. You're from Southern California. Have you ever had a Dodger Dog that Bateman won't shut up about even though he gets vegetarian? Which I assume is a stick of celery in a gluten free bun.
MH: I've had a Dodger Dog once. I threw it up after the game. It was the first Dodgers game I went to.
MTD: Drunk?
MH: I was, like, eight. So, no.
MTD: Do you remember it being good going down?
MW: I remember it sucked coming back up. My dad pulled off the 101 freeway onto Sunset Blvd. and that's where I threw up. Like a true rock star.
MTD: So to recap, eight-years-old at your first Dodgers game. Went to Sunset to party with River Phoenix and Johnny Depp but couldn't hold your liquor. What a scoop.
MTD: After that ringing endorsement, I can assume the Dodgers won't be sending me a sample case. Okay, top choice for hot dog going down the weird meat isle at WaWa?
MH: Ballpark. All day, every day.
MTD: Favorite size? I've heard it matters. *awkward wink at camera* Or type? They have prime, angus, regular?
MH: I work for a Foodservice company. I have multiple options for dogs. The 1/4 pound looks like a small tree branch . You need hoagie rolls for them.
MTD: Did you talk to HR about getting a real job? Say there's no ballpark because the Amish in your neck of the woods were celebrating a barn raising, what now?
MH: Bar S. Walmart brand. Surprisingly not shitty.
MTD: Mmmhmm. Sponsor money rolling in.
MH: I sprinkle salt on them before cooking because I'm bougie.
MTD: Okay. How do you dress your dog, fancy pants?
MH: I'm basic. Ketchup and mustard.
MTD: Soooo bougie. My wife is having an argument at work. Does adding chili make it a separate kind of hot dog or do you assume chili?
MH: If you add chili, it's basically soup at that point.
*off camera*
MTD: We're doing a news segment on hot dogs because World Series or some shit. Who comes up with this?
Derwood Morris: Will Earl Campbell be involved? That might be sausages.
MTD: What did Earl Campbell do to sausages?
DM: Jesus I hope he didn't do anything TO them. He advertises them.
MTD: I thought I missed something.
DM: They're on the top shelf at Kroger.
MTD: Earl Campbell's Beef Hot Links. Number three when you google him.
DM: What a terrible name for a product.
MTD: There's a chicken, pork & beef product. An all inclusive frankenweiner. Parts of shoes welcome.
*shuffles papers, 3,2, finger point*
MTD: Derwood, when you're roaming Kroger and find yourself in the hot dog section, what's your go to?
DM: Turkey, I guess Oscar Meyer.
MTD: Turkey? What do you have against OG, mystery meat hot dogs?!
DM: I don't eat pork or beef.
MTD: I think most of them are made of those rubber pellets that dome teams use for artificial turf.
MTD: Do you have a better story than Hllywa yacking up a Dodger Dog on Sunset Blvd? It's so romantic.
DM: My best is probably the night I made four turkey hotdogs for me and Marc, he said after I made them he didn't want any so I ate all 4 in about 12 seconds.
MTD: By my math, if you ate a turkey dog every 3 seconds, that would be 200 in ten minutes. Joey Chestnuts record is 76.
DM: I wonder if Chestnut's kryptonite is turkey hotdogs. I show up and challenge him, but it's turkey. He eats maybe four and a half...pointed and laughed out of the American Legion hall.
MTD: I don't see any turkey on his resume. Wait, why is your imaginary turkey dog contest at the American Legion? He ate 103 Krystals in 8 minutes.
DM: 103 in 8 minutes? That would've won our competition but barely.
MTD: 54 brain tacos in 8 minutes at the World Brain Eating Competition in 2013 in Minnesota.
MTD: So do you have go to topping for the turkey dog? Is it a mustard type situation?
DM: Mustard always. But I make mediocre chili sometimes and throw that on there. I call them my Mediocre Chili Pretty Good Turkey Hot Dog hot dogs.
MTD: We’re already working on trade marks for Derwood’s Mediocre Chili Pretty Good Turkey Hot Dog hot dogs. Rolls right off the tongue. Anything else you want to add about hot dogs?
DM: Corduroy pants?
MTD: Thanks Derwood. Hard to tell if he's trying to make corduroy pants his catch phrase or if he assumes they're in the hot dogs.
Listen kids, very carefully. There is a right answer to best grocery store hot dog. It’s not whatever ever jibber-jabber you just heard from our field team in Pennsylvania and Georgia. Nathan’s makes a great product, that’s what they use on the 4th of July for Joey Chestnut to take home mustard belt after mustard belt. But that’s not it.
Hebrew National is the finest grocery store hot dog you can buy. Should you use bacon bits as a topping? Apparently, that is frowned upon. If you're going to go for it though, you can wrap uncooked strips of bacon around the uncooked hot dog. You're going to need wooden toothpicks to keep the bacon on because the next step is deep frying that son of a bitch. But Hebrew National is the top dog. Regret that immediately, can we get that removed in post with me saying something cool? Then why do we have people in that booth? In case I say - - - - on air? How many times has that happened? Really? That seems high.
Anyway, ketchup should not be involved with hot dogs it’s not a hill I’ll die on but this train wreck of an American classic deserves mustard. Yellow, brown, spicy. I don’t give a - - - -. Sauerkraut, onions, jalapeños. If you aren’t ashamed of yourself after having a proper hot dog, you need a better plan. And that’s why we do this show. To help you, viewer. What’s your favorite grocery store hot dog and topping? I’ve been told you can comment somewhere on our website.
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