How To Start St Patrick's Day

If you're like me and got sunburned yesterday because it was only partly cloudy, today is an important holiday. Happy St. Patrick's day, viewer. I hope you're wearing green or I'll pinch you! I'm just kidding, let's get drunk. We don't have time for the history lesson plus we gave our researcher, Wiki O'Pedia, the day off for religious "research." *glug glug wink wink*

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day so why should this Thursday be any different? Except, you know, we're going to Irish this one up a bit. Here's how you start St. Patrick's Day.

1. Pour Lucky Charms

We used the Limited Edition Magic Clovers because let's see if it will turn our "milk" green. 

2. Make Milk

Here's where the Irish comes in. Aside from the Lucky Charms, date, green and the rest of this feature. I figure 2 oz of Jameson Irish Whiskey and 2 oz of Ryan's Irish cream = milk. Feel free to double check my marth. Math. There was a test barth. Bath. Batch. 

3. Add Milk 

We're done with the easy steps. Shirts about to get real. 

4. Eat your St. Cereal

5. Fight through it

Pour decisions.

6. Leftover Milk!

Here we go...

Wooooo! *Ric Flair strut* Who's ready for work? *checks where watch should be on wrist*

Okay, it appears I have time for a review. 

The Lucky Charms actually turned the booze green which would have made a fantastic creamer for coffee had I prepared this before just now. It didn't add much flavor to the Irish whiskey and Irish cream. I did not give it a long time to settle in as the booze soaked cereal was not ideal. Really got to shovel that down in a hurry.

 

The marshmellows in liquor were obviously better since they carry negative nutritional value. Overall, it's a solid St. Patty's Day breakfast. Or for every other Thursday morning. I'm going to have it for lunch today. Okay, let's go to work. 

I haven't left the kitchen, seriously, how far could my pants have gone already?

Lay's Claims Messi is the GOAT

Now in sports, football! Russell Wilson was traded to. I'm being told I've mispronounced football. Futbol? I'm being told I left the l'accent aigu off. I knew we shouldn't have hired Zidane as an intern. He did shred the shit out of that document though.

Today, in soccer, Cristiano Ronaldo broke the all time FIFA goal scoring record at 806. He added 807 for the hat trick to beat my Tottenham Hotspur. With the all time goal record, does that make him the GOAT?

Lay's doesn't think so, awarding that title to Lionel Messi. Messi was awarded with a limited edition GOAT bag of Cheddar and Jalapeno chips. Mike Hllwya firmly believes Ronaldo is the GOAT but he didn't sign a deal with Lay's. So, let's try the Messi bag before we invent chip flavors for future soccer GOATs. Futbol GOATs? No, I don't know how to add the aigu, Zizou!

Messi: Cheddar and Jalapeno

They taste a lot like Lay's Cheddar and Jalapeno chips. 

There's a subtle difference. The Messi chips have a bit more kick to them. Just give me the Emmy now. The Messi ones do have a bit more spice to them. The American football Cheddar and Jalapeno are cheesier. Thanks again, Green Bay.

After I spent shipping on a bag of chips with a soccer player's face on it, why not give them some more free marketing ideas. Mike will start us off with his top pick...

Cristiano Ronaldo: Bacalhau a Braz

 

Dear Lays,

 

You are wrong.

 

Sincerely,

 

Me

 

Ronaldo, being the actual GOAT and not an imposter (And as the resident authority at Snacktion News, I can say that), gets to choose his own chip flavor. Of course, he could choose something simple, but Ronaldo’s ability to complicate defenders brains with his fancy foot work means the chip is anything but simple.

 

You ready for this, Lays? Bacalhau a Braz. Get to work.

 

No Goat in this dish, because Ronaldo recognizes only one GOAT in any room at any time. Instead, this chip comes from a dish that is a mixture of cod, onions, sliced potatoes and scrambled eggs. Silky smooth scrambled eggs, tough potatoes, fish to confuse you and onions to make you cry when he goes “SIUUUUU” near the corner flag after another amazing finish. Really, Frito-Lay, how could you get all of this so wrong? Don’t worry. The crew here has you covered.

MTD: My picks played against Ronaldo today.

Harry Kane: Fish and Vinegar

Kane is also rising up the ranks of career Premier League goals. Lay's could celebrate his English heritage with a British staple, fish and chips. The chips could have a nice fishy taste with a hint of malt vinegar. The chip part is the chip and, for the love of the Queen, don't tell me chips are actually fries across the pond. 

Son Heung-min: Japchae

Sonny is another Tottenham Hotspur legend in his prime. The South Korean highlight machine probably has a kimchi chip named after him already and if he doesn't, hit me, Son. 

So, we go with Japchae here. It would season a chip well. Sweet potato stir fry with thin cut vegetables, hint of beef and sugar. Yes, I do take Venmo, Lay's. Also, this guy should be the face of soccer.

MTD: Back to Mike...

Erling Haaland: Mutton and Cabbage

 

Now that we have covered the more established footballers, how about we touch on one of the young guns. Erling has been a legend since he was five years old and reportedly recorded a world record standing long jump for five year-olds when he leapt 1.63 meters (or 5.34 feet). Now, he is a 21 year-old, 6’4”, 194 lb. monster leading the front line for Borussia Dortmund in the Bundesliga. He’s a special striker in that, aside from being fast and athletic, watching any YouTube video of his highlights you would be convinced that at least once he has scored a goal after ripping an opposing defenders head off and spitting down his neck.

 

This leads us to his brand of chip. As the top Norwegian player in the world, his chip is Mutton and Cabbage. He is not the GOAT at this moment, but lamb is a good start. The dish sounds like a punch in the face, making it apropo for the branding. Haaland scares the bejeesus out of me, and probably most of the centerbacks in Germany as well. Hell, the cabbage alone would force me to give him a wide birth.

MTD: I was kidding about free marketing, Lay's. We've already trademarked mutton and cabbage chips. Now, we just sit back and let that mutton money roll down the countryside. The crunch is hoof. 

Snacktion News Solves The Fair Crisis

rube [roob] noun

1 : an unsophisticated person from a rural area

2 : a naive or inexperienced person

Hey there, viewer. On this special field trip edition of Snacktion News, we go to a fly by night fair where New Orleans used to host a Triple A baseball team named the Baby Cakes. They left us for the bright lights of Wichita. But I love food on a stick and after covering baseball for years, I'm going to fleece this fair for thousands of dollars of stuffed Scooby Doos by knocking down metal blocks with a wiffle ball. How do you guys even make money?

There are keys to a successful fair. First, you have to make friends with the most important workers at the event. As you saw in the intro footage, we stopped to shake fins with Gopher and Bubbles. They're not only going to know where the fresh fish is but also the strategy to winning any aquatic games. 

Then you have to get a good base in before you waste too much money on funnel cake. I'd suggest a $15 chicken on a stick. 

While that might seem like a 300% profit margin for the fair, remember it's on a stick and you're winning this all back when you sell those stuffed Rick and Mortys on eBay. Sure you could buy a dozen of them for what you spent on one turn of the game but are those Championship Mortys? I don't think so.

Let's go win some prizes. 

Winning Gold Fish Bowl

Get your tickets to redeem your goldfish. $5 for a bucket of ping pong balls you toss at rows of little fish bowls. Get one in, win a fish. Here's the trick, just say you got one in, they aren't paying attention. We'll come back and collect our fish on the way out, thank you. 

Winning Throw A Wiffle Ball at a Board Into a Milk Crate

I follow Pitching Ninja on Twitter so I know my grips and angles and movement. This is no problem. 

*$20 later*

I'm just going to regroup. Rethink the strategy. You don't just strike out Mike Trout on three pitches.

$8 Thinking Fried Cookie Dough 

Scientifically, fried desserts open the critical thinking endorphins in the brain. Similar to alcohol. These end up being more batter than cookie dough. But it's still fried and covered in enough powdered sugar to kill Bubbles. Now that I have enough sugary grip, it's time to knock down some blocks with a softball. 

Winning Knock 3 Blocks Off a Stand with a Plush Softball

I don't even need the 3 balls for $10 deal but what's one extra stuffed Pickle Rick gonna do? Get me in the express lane on the highway? This calls for Mariano Rivera's wipeout cutter at the bottom block. 

*$20 later*

I should see if I can sign the operator's kid. He's crushing this block game and he's like 8. 

Winning Pop Balloons With Darts

Just a Thursday night at the bar.

*$20 later*

I haven't had enough to drink to be good at darts yet. Rookie mistake.

Ride Break

For not charging anything, the porto-potties end up being a terrifying and relieving experience. 

$9 Fueling Up Fried Honey Bun

This is better than the cookie dough as it's an entire honey bun battered and deep fried. And, let's not forgot, it's on a stick. Which equals better. Now, I'm fueled up on sugar, let's go shoot stuff.

Winning Shooting Ducks With A BB Gun

So, I think that same kid stole all my bullets. Or, I don't know how guns work?

*$20 later*

I don't understand the 2nd Amendment. I can't even kill a picture of a duck.

Winning Throw A Wiffle Ball at a Board Into a Milk Crate Pt. 2

Right, I forgot about the Eephus pitch.

*$20 later*

Right, knuckle curveball.

*$20 later*

Right, fast ball at the operator laughing at me.

*being escorted off the property*

Sir. *straightens imaginary tie* I have to collect my fish.

Results

Maybe we didn't completely outfox the fair. But one thing is for sure, we lost a lot of money. Luckily, for the drive home...

Another $9 Fried Honey Bun

Finally

We were able to introduce Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde the goldfish into the Snacktion News family. Hopefully, the hundreds of dollars we spent can keep those poor carnies dreams alive of, maybe one day, being the most bearded woman. 

Update

Snacktion News is sad to inform you of the passing of beloved staff members Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde. There was a beautiful service where they were put to rest in a porcelain, let's call it Pac-Man. 

Rahm Haus' Whiskey Churro Ice Cream King Cake

I'd be remiss if I didn't review Rahm Haus' fantastic Whiskey Churro Ice Cream King Cake before Mardi Gras this upcoming Tuesday. 

I'm being told that Mardi Gras was last Tuesday and I've been presumed "joined a circus" by local news outlets. Including Snacktion News!? Nobody looked for me!?

Despite these disappointing revelations, I'm a professional and will continue to cover snacktion related news while I try to piece together my whereabouts for the past week by using these, I assume, Memento style tattoos. "Don't fall in the toilet again." That's just a good general advice tattoo.

Rahm Haus is a New Orleans ice cream wizard shop that drops new products every Friday night. And you better get it while it's ho, um, cold because they sell out. I procured one of their Ice Cream King Cakes back when my mental faculties could dial phone numbers and read credit card numbers. So, let's say, Thursday before Mardi Gras. 

I purchased the Whiskey Churro Ice Cream King Cake, in case you're just joining us. It had a cinnamon sugar churro base with whiskey brown butter ice cream, chocolate magic shell and whiskey caramel and candied smoke maple bacon pieces. 

It also came with an edible glitter, gold dusted piety & desire chocolate gator feve that I couldn't bring myself to eat. 

It roams my freezer now, guarding my late night poor decisions. You're right, Gold Choco Gator, I don't need a 4 am banana fudge bomb pop. 

The king cake is as described. Really a perfect combination of everything. The whiskey ice cream should be sold on its own. There's almost nothing I won't put magic shell on, up to and including [90 second commercial break] and the bacon pieces are delightful as well. You do need to let it rest before biting straight into the frozen churro base. According to one actual dentist out of the five random people I polled. 

Overall, it's an incredible take on both ice cream and king cakes. I check their website every Friday night and if you live in the New Orleans area, you should too.

The Funfetti Birthday Ham Sandwich

Boar's Head is one of the finer quality deli meats you can get at your local grocery chain. Publix if you're lucky. Robert's if you live in New Orleans. They won't carry Salsalito Turkey but they are quick with the retraining orders.

Which brings us to Boar's Head's newest creation that I also can't purchase, the Funfetti Birthday Ham. Fact checked and trusted news source, The Onion, broke the story about this celebratory ham... 

Make this birthday one to remember with a smoked, cake-batter-infused Virginia ham that has been decorated with festive rainbow sprinkles,” read a company press release, which detailed a process wherein premium leg-cut pork was bestrewn with multicolored candy pieces, dry-aged for six months, and then glazed with a rich vanilla frosting.

As you, viewer, should already know, I'm not afraid to make my own if it isn't available in my region. Isn't that right, Barefoot Oreo Wine? Let's make this sandwich. 

Step One: Acquire or create vanilla icing funfetti ham. I was lucky enough to grab funfetti pepperjack. Not all Rouses will have this.

Step Two: Organize ingredients. I also used funfetti lettuce and oregano. While the funfetti oregano is colorful and looks trippy, do not smoke it. Is a thing a I've heard from other sandwich artists.

Step Three: Build. Candles are important in this step. It's a birthday sandwich.

Now, that's a good looking sandwich. But let's keep in mind that isn't horseradish or a fancy aioli dripping off that ham, it's vanilla icing and sprinkles. Still...

Step Four: It's go time.

The sprinkles were too crunchy. Which, had I melted them in to the ham, obviously wouldn't have been an issue. It was sweet. Because I spread vanilla icing on ham. Should I ham, sorry, have doubled down and put the sandwich on Hawaiian Rolls? Yes, Amber, I should have.

Oh, let's go to a commercial. My Apple Watch is saying I died several minutes ago. 

Caluda's Ill-Fated Joe Burrow King Cake

It's Carnival Season in New Orleans which could mean many things to many people. Parades, drinking, eating, parades, drinking, beads, drinking, parades and so forth. It also means it's legal to have King Cake for breakfast! Snacktion News is here to King Cake walk you through some of our favorites. 

A few days after the conclusion to the Super Bowl, I'm finally ready to kick off our King Cake celebration week despite shame eating several feet of Cincinnati Bengal orange and black icing. Sacrilege, you yell! They chant "Who Dey!" you, um, chant. Yes, viewer, shut up. I'm still nursing a hangover. Joe Burrow will never buy a cigar in Louisiana again after dominating college football en route to the LSU National Championship in 2019. 

So, when the 2020 first overall pick by the Cincinnati Bengals led them to the Super Bowl with 2021 Offensive Rookie of the Year and fellow 2019 National Champion Ja'Marr Chase in tow, New Orleans was bound to celebrate local football heroes. That was a two page teleprompter disaster of a sentence. Run the footage of what King Cake is... 

It comes in a number of styles. The most simple, said to be the most traditional, is a ring of twisted cinnamon roll-style dough. It may be topped with icing or sugar, which may be colored to show the traditional Mardi Gras colors of purple for justice, green for faith, and gold for power.

There's more history to it that you can google on your own or ask the pretentious guy at the party who went to Tulane. His name is Brad. Back to Joe Burrow. All of New Orleans rallied around Burrow and the Bengals after the Saints missed the playoffs. 

And Caluda's Bakery was able to rise to the occasion. *pause for yeast joke applause*

Caluda's created an orange and striped black icing to go with the purple and yellow sprinkles over traditional white icing, To celebrate bengals both from Cincinnati and the Bayou, respectfully, while making hand over fist dough. I'm going to win so many Emmys.

THE SCORE: Rams 23 - Bengals 20

THE REVIEW: While Burrow fell short of winning the Super Bowl to go along with his Heisman Trophy, National Championship, Comeback Player of the Year after tearing his ACL at the end of his rookie season and becoming Joe Cool III after Namath and the cigarette donkey. I'm being told Joe Cool II was Joe Montana and not a chain smoking camel in a leather jacket. Did Montana come in menthol, though?

Right, so Caluda did a fantastic job with the Burreaux King Cake. Visually stunning. Timely. Jinx-y, perhaps. The cake itself is nice and well cinnamon'd even though it was gigantic. The orange and black icing was surprisingly good despite not containing any hint of that famous Cinci chili flavor only Kat Terrell claims to enjoy. They didn't offer fillings for it but they have tons of options if you aren't going there for a specific news article that is well over a week late of being news worthy. 

I'm still getting reimbursed though? Right? Right?

All right, viewer, yes, you can order from Caluda year round in case you want to throw your drunk aunt in Denton, Texas a Mardi Gras themed birthday party in June. I'm going to get back to shame eating my final elbow of Burrow Cake. 

Moo Gloo: Stick Your Meat Together

 

Meat Glue for the Modern Cook. 

*Meet the meat goo that will glue your meat to meet*

While I've pitched that over and over, the writing staff guarantees that isn't a palindrome or haiku. Why's I even takes English?

What's Moo Gloo then, geniuses? Genies? 

Let's turn to our intern everybody tells me about, Lookitupon Amazon. Looki, what's Moo Goo do?

Product Description

Transglutaminase (TG), aka Meat Glue, is a natural enzyme that has the ability to glue protein-containing foods together. When raw meats are bound with TG, they typically have the strength and appearance of whole uncut muscles. Moo Gloo RM can be sprinkled on dry as a powder. It can be mixed into a slurry with 4 parts water. It can also be added directly into ground meat mixtures. It is safe and easy to use. Typical usage is 0.75–1.0% of recipe weight.

Right, so... Did you say mix it in a slurry of water? Ground meat mixtures? So many appetizing phrases. But I have questions. For instance, why? Modernist Pantry (kinda) answers my questions...

Primary uses of transglutaminase include:

• Making uniform portions that cook evenly, look good, and reduce waste.

Sure, sure. What if I like to mix gator and catfish into sausage but I only have access to casings that aren't vegan?

• Binding meat mixtures like sausages without casings.

Perfect. Vegans will love that gator-cat sausage. There's a gravy with cheese and bacon over it.

Any other suggestions?

• Making meat combinations like bacon and scallops.

Right, we discussed vegan options.

• Producing special effects like meat noodles, meat and vegetable pastas, etc.

Ah, for the gluten frees. Moo Gloo, is there anything you can't goo? *cough* Do?

I'm more of a traditionalist. I like picking my centaur from the yard of the local butcher. 

***Moo Gloo does not turn meat vegan despite what our lead anchor believes. He has misguided thoughts about gluten and mythology as well***