Snacktion News Solves The Fair Crisis

rube [roob] noun

1 : an unsophisticated person from a rural area

2 : a naive or inexperienced person

Hey there, viewer. On this special field trip edition of Snacktion News, we go to a fly by night fair where New Orleans used to host a Triple A baseball team named the Baby Cakes. They left us for the bright lights of Wichita. But I love food on a stick and after covering baseball for years, I'm going to fleece this fair for thousands of dollars of stuffed Scooby Doos by knocking down metal blocks with a wiffle ball. How do you guys even make money?

There are keys to a successful fair. First, you have to make friends with the most important workers at the event. As you saw in the intro footage, we stopped to shake fins with Gopher and Bubbles. They're not only going to know where the fresh fish is but also the strategy to winning any aquatic games. 

Then you have to get a good base in before you waste too much money on funnel cake. I'd suggest a $15 chicken on a stick. 

While that might seem like a 300% profit margin for the fair, remember it's on a stick and you're winning this all back when you sell those stuffed Rick and Mortys on eBay. Sure you could buy a dozen of them for what you spent on one turn of the game but are those Championship Mortys? I don't think so.

Let's go win some prizes. 

Winning Gold Fish Bowl

Get your tickets to redeem your goldfish. $5 for a bucket of ping pong balls you toss at rows of little fish bowls. Get one in, win a fish. Here's the trick, just say you got one in, they aren't paying attention. We'll come back and collect our fish on the way out, thank you. 

Winning Throw A Wiffle Ball at a Board Into a Milk Crate

I follow Pitching Ninja on Twitter so I know my grips and angles and movement. This is no problem. 

*$20 later*

I'm just going to regroup. Rethink the strategy. You don't just strike out Mike Trout on three pitches.

$8 Thinking Fried Cookie Dough 

Scientifically, fried desserts open the critical thinking endorphins in the brain. Similar to alcohol. These end up being more batter than cookie dough. But it's still fried and covered in enough powdered sugar to kill Bubbles. Now that I have enough sugary grip, it's time to knock down some blocks with a softball. 

Winning Knock 3 Blocks Off a Stand with a Plush Softball

I don't even need the 3 balls for $10 deal but what's one extra stuffed Pickle Rick gonna do? Get me in the express lane on the highway? This calls for Mariano Rivera's wipeout cutter at the bottom block. 

*$20 later*

I should see if I can sign the operator's kid. He's crushing this block game and he's like 8. 

Winning Pop Balloons With Darts

Just a Thursday night at the bar.

*$20 later*

I haven't had enough to drink to be good at darts yet. Rookie mistake.

Ride Break

For not charging anything, the porto-potties end up being a terrifying and relieving experience. 

$9 Fueling Up Fried Honey Bun

This is better than the cookie dough as it's an entire honey bun battered and deep fried. And, let's not forgot, it's on a stick. Which equals better. Now, I'm fueled up on sugar, let's go shoot stuff.

Winning Shooting Ducks With A BB Gun

So, I think that same kid stole all my bullets. Or, I don't know how guns work?

*$20 later*

I don't understand the 2nd Amendment. I can't even kill a picture of a duck.

Winning Throw A Wiffle Ball at a Board Into a Milk Crate Pt. 2

Right, I forgot about the Eephus pitch.

*$20 later*

Right, knuckle curveball.

*$20 later*

Right, fast ball at the operator laughing at me.

*being escorted off the property*

Sir. *straightens imaginary tie* I have to collect my fish.

Results

Maybe we didn't completely outfox the fair. But one thing is for sure, we lost a lot of money. Luckily, for the drive home...

Another $9 Fried Honey Bun

Finally

We were able to introduce Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde the goldfish into the Snacktion News family. Hopefully, the hundreds of dollars we spent can keep those poor carnies dreams alive of, maybe one day, being the most bearded woman. 

Update

Snacktion News is sad to inform you of the passing of beloved staff members Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde. There was a beautiful service where they were put to rest in a porcelain, let's call it Pac-Man.