Taco Bell Has A Taco Subscription

 

This doesn't bode well for me. We recently covered how I spent $50 just to rank the hot sauce packets. I feel like they're targeting me. Either way, Taco Bell is launching a monthly subscription service called The Taco Lovers Pass. For a mere $10 a month, you get one taco everyday for 30 days. This sounds healthy. *immediately signs up*

Once you download the app and sign up, it unlocks a part of the menu for you to add your taco. And they aren't messing around. It gives you access to most of the taco options.

While this is an obvious ploy to increase sales, it's actually a really good deal. If you went in to Taco Bell and got one Doritos Loco Supreme at $2.69 for 30 days, that's $80.70. You're losing money if you don't sign up for this subscription. Now, Taco Bell is banking on you not going in for just one taco. And only a sociopath would do that anyway. Also, if you're going to Taco Bell everyday, you're going to die. Probably. We'll get an intern to do it and find out.

If McDonald's comes out with a McNugget pass, this show will be airing from a hospital. 

Brought to You By: Haribo

 

Hey, kids. We have another quick commercial break. This one is brought to you by Haribo Goldbears. Truly the gold standard for gummy bears. Ugh.

Is that a half eaten bag? That's going to look awful for a commercial. Who opened that bag?

An intern is telling me I sleep eat sour candy. That is just terrifying news to hear. Can we get Dr. James Haribo on the phone for an emergency therapy session?

Haribo is a German company that started making candy in 1920 and gummy bears rolled out in 1922. That sweet spot between World Wars. Hans Gruber. I'm sorry, Hans Riegel started the company and created what became the Goldbear we all know and love. 

While they make tons of candy nowadays, the gummy bear is their flagship. I clearly prefer the sour ones. Haribo gummy bears are sold in five flavors: raspberry (red), orange (orange), strawberry (green); pineapple (clear), and lemon (yellow). Tough loss losing red to raspberry there, strawberry. Not that that raspberry had a bunch of alternative color options. Clear for pineapple is an interesting choice as well. 

While they are delicious, I don't know if they taste any different. Just that, and I can't stress this enough, sour is the way to go. Thanks, Haribo!

The One With Taco Bell Hot Sauce Packets

Not every news segment can have a clever title so we "borrowed" this from Friends. In this episode, I order $50 in togo Taco Bell to get a hard opinion on the hot sauces, I blame Adam Devine for it and Ross and Rachel continue to be just the worst. 

Taco Bell offers four hot sauce packet options. Mild, Hot, Fire and Diablo. Now, I've had all of these before but I wanted to re-calibrate my tastebuds to give you an honest review of the four flavors. So, I got a soft taco for each and $35 of other stuff. I eat chips and cheese as dessert. I had Snacktion News assemble but I'll go first this time.

Mild: You are a pointless sauce packet. What are you even doing here?

Hot: Some times I prefer hot. Solid flavor. But, come on, you aren't hot.

Fire: Now we're cooking with, um, fire. Good flavor, good heat. It's my favorite.

Diablo: I like the heat of Diablo but like most manufactured hot things the flavor suffers for it. I'll still use it. Maybe mix in a little hot.

Snacktion Reporter One, Nicole Amstutz is joining us.

MTD: Nikki, what's your go to?

NA: I don't use them. Except when I do. And then I'll use any of them.

MTD: So, just a blind grab out of the bag?

NA: No, I use them in order from mild to hottest. But I always say I don't need any.

MTD: What's a typical order?

NA: Black bean quesaritos, soft taco supreme, RIP mexican pizza.

MTD: Oh, shit. Mexican pizza. Now, you're stirring up some hurt feelings. First, they took enchiritos away from me and then Mexican pizza. It's all the same ingredients. Explain yourself, Taco Bell.

Amber Hllwya joins us to tell us Mike's weird tastes.

MTD: Amber, what's your go to?

AH: Mild, always mild. I like hot/spicy stuff but Taco Bell packets don't do it for me. 

MTD: You guys are not great at pandering to potential sponsors.

AH: My son, on the other hand, uses Diablo on everything. Ramen, fruit, no regard for his stomach lining or tastebuds.

MTD: I'll send you the adoption papers. Amber, what's a typical team Hllwya order at TBell?

AH: Two soft tacos with no cheese and a bean burrito I don't eat and the cinnamon twist things.

Mike gets four soft tacos with no lettuce, an order of nachos, four extra sides of nacho cheese to dip his tacos in.

MTD: This is good info. Let me make a note. *Mike bathes in wet cheese* Okay, what's his deal with lettuce?

AH: He only likes lettuce with French or Italian dressing and nothing else.

MTD: French or Italian. Quite the renaissance man.

The main conclusion to draw from this, viewer, is that Fire is the best sauce packet and my team of field reporters are wrong yet again. Mild, Amber? 

Adam Devine, famous for Workaholics and Adam Devine's House Party and a ton of movies and TV shows, made a commercial about ordering togo Taco Bell. He used to be a regular of mine. Very nice guy. But anytime I order $50 of Taco Bell delivery, I curse his name. Thanks again, Adam.

The Great Canadian Butter Heist

Oh, Canada. What a flavorless heist. I'm not putting down butter. How would I even eat a potato without it? I think it's physically impossible. But in America people steal trucks of gold, is what I learned from the documentary Die Hard with a Vengeance. The breaking news, though, is two trucks of butter were stolen in Toronto. Let's go to our affiliate, The Toronto Sun..

The four stole two transport trucks and hooked up two trailers which were each loaded with approximately 20,000 kilograms of butter, with a combined retail value of about $200,000.

The trucks and trailers were tracked down in the Toronto area on Dec, 27. But the butter was gone.

Kilograms, you guys are adorable. That's 44,000 pounds of butter. Which, again, you can get four sticks for a dollar. Apparently, this heist had a much fattier street value. Also, how big is your walk in cooler, gangsters?

As a well respected and professional news person, it would be irresponsible for me to wildly conjecture about this heist. That being said, here are my theories...

1. You opened 15 Outback Steakhouses in the greater Toronto area and Sysco is running late.

2. Toronto strip club butter wrestling finals of 2021.

3. Paula Deen is also racist against Canadians and took butter away from you.

4. Wisconsin made corn on the cob and ran to the "store."

5. Butter cryptocurrency. I still don't understand what crypto is.

Anyway, that's a lot of butter to spread. Let's hear your theories and if you have any leads, call.. Um, the Mountie from 1990 WWF. Jacques Rougeau is on the case.

[update]

Amber Hllywa called in. 

MTD: Amber you have a lead?

AH: There's no margarine for error in thievery. It's a shame these guys were able to make a slick getaway. Canadians used to melt my heart but this story makes my stomach churn.

MTD: That's some fine word play, how about the thieves?

AH: Yeah, nothing.

MTD: I'm not getting that news bonus this year, am I?

Barefoot Made Oreo Wine

 

Barefoot Wines teamed with Oreos to create a limited edition red wine blend that supposedly had hints of chocolate and cream. While I'm no sommelier, Oreos certainly grab the attention of Snacktion News. Before we get to the wine segment of this show, let's talk Oreos for a minute with Amber Hllywa. 

MTD: Amber, welcome to the team. Hang on, I have a Twitter alert. That's going to HR. 

MTD: Amber, when you hear Oreos, what's you're immediate reaction?

AH: They're the only store bought cookie worth eating.

MTD: They have millions of flavors. Classic, double stuff, golden or something off the grid? I think s'mores is on our opening credits.

AH: Classic then mint when it's not Girl Scout season. I don't even like the filling that much.

MTD: That's a hot take. I eat the filling with a spoon out of a paint bucket. It's not socially acceptable so I do that in the Oreo filling room of my house in private.

MTD: When you think about Oreos, how long is it before you think "this needs wine?"

AH: Never? Cookies and wine don't seem like they go together.

And that brings us to Barefoot x Oreos. Why? Oh, it sold out immediately. I didn't pay attention in marketing. We couldn't get our hands on a bottle here at Snacktion News but our R&D department came up with this...

After they showed me how to use the blender. You have to plug it in. They don't teach you that at journalist college. The end result was this.

Now, I had my trepidations but once you've already blended the Oreos and wine together. That's the end of the sentence.

So, as I sat down with my home blend of Oreo wine, I had to find a nice pairing for it. Anybody? Yeah, that would be a tough guess for anyone. It's Pepperidge Farm Chessmen. As I swirled and sniffed, Snacktion Reporter One, Nicole Amstutz called in.

NA: Describe it like you work in a restaurant.

MTD: I haven't. Okay, let me try it. Very pushy, Nikki.

MTD: The color is a nice deep red with swirling foam. Taste. Yes, you can taste the Oreo. It adds a nice richness to a $10 bottle of Barefoot. Should I blend cookies in everything? Maybe my philosophy should now be yes?

NA: Sounds like a "nom"

Viewer, instead of bidding $90 on ebay for this Barefoot Oreo wine, just send us $30 and I'll funnel some of my home blend into a bottle for you. I'll sign it and number it so it's still a limited edition. 

We Answer Hot Pockets Question

 

Okay, Hot Pockets. We see you. You want to play a game. I'll get Snacktion News to assemble in a minute to address this Twitter pandering. 

The Tastywich debuted way back in 1980 by Paul Merage's company Chef America Inc. They'd turn into Hot Pockets three years later. In 2002, they'd be sold to Nestle making Paul worth almost two billion dollars. That's a lot of lava cheese mouth.

The Hot Pocket is a calzone sandwich snack made more famous by this Jim Gaffigan bit. There are 50 flavors of them now which seems impossible. But Hot Pockets asked us to choose some and we're professional. Haha. 

Let's go to Snacktion Reporter One, Nicole Amstutz.

MTD: Nikki, which one?

NA: Pepperoni looks like play doh but I eat it.

MTD: Yeah. I ate a ton of meatballs when I was in my 20s. Let me rephrase that.

NA: Nope. We heard you.

MTD: Thoughts on Jim Gaffigan.

NA: I don't WANT to punch him in the face but if I did I feel like it would be like punching marshmallow fluff. Sink right in. 

MTD: Punching marshmallow fluff. He's stealing that for his next special.

MTD: Derwood. Hot Pockets.

DM: I bit into a Hot Pocket, it was pepperoni, back in 2002 and the cheese was ice cold. 

MTD: We went over how microwaves work in college. Remember the popcorn?

DM: Did I mistake three minutes for 30 seconds? You bet I probably did. But had I been drinking Mickeys most of the afternoon? Almost certainly.

MTD: Classy.

DM: Mickeys pairs well with Hot Pockets.

MTD: I stand by what I said.

MTD: Mike Hllywa, Hot Pocket flavors. Go.

MH: Pepperoni, 5 cheese and meatballs. I can still claim because I'm in college that I can still eat like a college student, right?

MTD: I had Sour Patch candy canes for breakfast.

MTD: How do you cook your Hot Pockets?

MH: The oven because I'm still half adult.

MTD: The right answer is air fryer.

MH: We have one. I don't know how to use it. Half adult. 

MTD: Would you like to get your family involved in this?

MH: 

MTD: Mmmhmm. Prefers creating her own Hot Pocket. Gotcha.

Well, I think this the exact feedback Hot Pocket was after. We named a Jim Gaffigan special, we unlearned how to use a microwave and Mike's family prefers a sandwich. Great job, team. You're welcome, Hot Pocket.

Fla-Vor-Ice Power Rankings

There's a ton of brands of flavored sugar water in plastic sleeves for you to freeze. Otter Pops, generic, Powerade and Fla-Vor-Ice. Four? Seems like Ted in research is getting lazy. 

Fla-Vor-Ice is the elite though. They've actually been around since 1969. Did freezers even exist then? Or did you have to wait until winter to freeze them? Either way, Fla-Vor-Ice is kind of a vice of mine. I've been eating them for the better part of 30 years. It was a refreshingly cool treat as a kid. Then as an adult, turns out you can blow through five, six in a sitting. Sometimes, you put them into a blender to make a snowcone. Sometimes, your dentist tries to have an intervention.

Fla-Vor-Ice comes in six colors. We're talking original. Not the tropical variety I was hooked on one summer. Lemon Lime (green), Grape (purple), Tropical Punch (pink), Orange (orange), Berry Punch (blue), and Strawberry (red). I always enjoy when orange has to be described. People commonly mistake red for cherry. It's strawberry but, let's face it, it tastes red. Nonetheless, Rex Chapman's claim on Twitter that red was cherry riled me up and now Snacktion News had to assemble to rank the flavors.

MTD: Mike Hllywa, your rankings. Just as a heads up, I throw purple away. I don't need frozen Dimetapp.

MH: Blue, green, red. I don't know what yellow is so I skip it. I take three or four of them, crush them up and eat them out of a bowl with a spoon.

MTD: You've heard of a blender? Wait, did you say yellow?

MH: I buy the knock off Walmart brand. 

MTD: Yellow is banana. This is my life's work.

MTD: Snacktion Reporter One

NA: Blue

MTD: Nikki, they have five more flavors.

NA: Blue.

MTD: Okay, maybe not everybody buys them by the case from Sam's Club. 

While my field reporters agree on blue, there is a hierarchy. They were close with blue.

1. Pink

2. Blue

3. Red

4. Green

5. Orange

6. 

Here's the pro tip for the adults who've been waiting through this segment about ice pops. Before you freeze them, pour a little out, pour in a little vodka, then you seal it with a hair straightener and freeze them.