Oh, Canada. What a flavorless heist. I'm not putting down butter. How would I even eat a potato without it? I think it's physically impossible. But in America people steal trucks of gold, is what I learned from the documentary Die Hard with a Vengeance. The breaking news, though, is two trucks of butter were stolen in Toronto. Let's go to our affiliate, The Toronto Sun..
The four stole two transport trucks and hooked up two trailers which were each loaded with approximately 20,000 kilograms of butter, with a combined retail value of about $200,000.
The trucks and trailers were tracked down in the Toronto area on Dec, 27. But the butter was gone.
Kilograms, you guys are adorable. That's 44,000 pounds of butter. Which, again, you can get four sticks for a dollar. Apparently, this heist had a much fattier street value. Also, how big is your walk in cooler, gangsters?
As a well respected and professional news person, it would be irresponsible for me to wildly conjecture about this heist. That being said, here are my theories...
1. You opened 15 Outback Steakhouses in the greater Toronto area and Sysco is running late.
2. Toronto strip club butter wrestling finals of 2021.
3. Paula Deen is also racist against Canadians and took butter away from you.
4. Wisconsin made corn on the cob and ran to the "store."
5. Butter cryptocurrency. I still don't understand what crypto is.
Anyway, that's a lot of butter to spread. Let's hear your theories and if you have any leads, call.. Um, the Mountie from 1990 WWF. Jacques Rougeau is on the case.
[update]
Amber Hllywa called in.
MTD: Amber you have a lead?
AH: There's no margarine for error in thievery. It's a shame these guys were able to make a slick getaway. Canadians used to melt my heart but this story makes my stomach churn.
MTD: That's some fine word play, how about the thieves?
AH: Yeah, nothing.
MTD: I'm not getting that news bonus this year, am I?
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