Velveeta's Cheese Martini Oozes onto the Scene

America is at it again. If you thought we couldn't combine anymore weird shit together, let me introduce you to the love child of Velveeta, vodka and vermouth. The Veltini is a cheese infused vodka martini that BLT Steak is serving for $15 at their locations in New York, Washington DC, Charlotte and the Depths of Hell. The Washington DC location was booked and their spillover prefers the Depths of Hell location. Luckily, BLT Steaks is selling a Veltini kit for $50 to make your own. But...

It's sold out. Which had to have happened over three days and does not include vodka or vermouth. Luckily, the Snacktion News R&D is top notch and spares no expenses. Technically, we don't pay them so there are no expenses and we don't ask how or where they get stuff.

On to the Veltini!

Step 1: The Suppliening 

Kirklands? Jeez, they really spared no expenses. Oh, right. 

Step 2: The Oozening

We might lose some viewers here as it's not extremely appetizing but this is how the vodka is infused. You have to break some eggs to make vodka cheese, as the saying goes. You'll notice we used jalapeno cheese sauce since we decided it fit the flavor profile of Costco vodka more seamlessly. Or perhaps that's what the Family Dollar had in stock. Who's to say.

Step 3: The Soakening

This process is supposed to take 24 hours but we did it in about 10. Agitation is the key. You should have seen the face of that intern who had to shake that jar for 10 hours. Pure agitation. 

Step 4: The Drippening

We poured the vodka cheese sludge through a fine mesh cloth. This cloth will separate the cheese from the liquid. Some kind of magical cheese separator cloth. Frankly, it's amazing they don't have a name for it.

The blue dots are from Christmas lights hanging over the bar. Good luck replicating that at home.

Step 4: The Shakening

We didn't have the official recipe but how far off could we be? I went with two ounces of Velveeta cheese vodka, a half ounce of dry vermouth and a half ounce of olive juice, shaken well and photobombed. The martini glass was then dipped in queso.

Step 5: The Veltini

I didn't spend a lot of time on the garnish. I'm not stuffing olives or skewering shells. The Velveeta and olive brine have most of the vitamins I need for a breakfast cocktail anyway. So, it's your basic olive, Velveeta cube, repeat skewer.

Step 6: The Drinkening

Mmhmm. That's a cheese martini. Any other volunteers?

This guy.

The Verdict

To paraphrase a great philosopher, it was prettay, prettay, prettay...

I wouldn't go as far to say good but it wasn't the complete disaster I expected. You can certainly taste the cheese. It wasn't too overpowering as I shook the shit out of it and the brine and jalapeno helped the final product. Would I order one? No. Would a James Bond villain find me intimidating whilst sipping one? Almost certainly not. Is Charcuterie Fingers a Bond villain? It would pair nicely with them. *jots down notes for screenplay*

The Sales Pitch

I have about six ounces of this leftover and I've been threatened with divorce if it doesn't leave the house soon. Please Venmo me $50 to mail it to you via USPS Ground. If I've learned anything about Velveeta, you should have a nice conversation dip by the time it arrives in this heat. 

Update

The six ounces of leftover cheese vodka is a 1/1 autographed, special edition. Let's say the bidding starts at $90 now.

Introducing Ms Dirty Shirley

Imagine a gorgeous debutante ball in midsummer New Orleans. It's hot, of course, but all of our perfectly styled young debutantes are sweating glowing in their best dress whites. They're lined up along staircases sipping non-alcoholic pinot grigio. 

Well, Blue Oak's Dirty Shirley is the antithesis of that and. Hey, you can't smoke in the dining room. Take it under the bleachers.

A delightful daiquiri created by Blue Oak BBQ's talented and very much lady like bar manager, Bri, is based off of... 

Bri and Shirley just stole the Snacktion News van. Goddamnit. This is why we stopped doing local TV spots. That van is basically a pinata on wheels. 

The Dirty Shirley is a play off of the Shirley Temple which was based on a child star from the 1930's. And Bri poured vodka in to her and they stole my news van.

Blue Oak's Dirty Shirley is, as mentioned before, a vodka based daiquiri with black cherry, lemon and lime. It's quite refreshing on a...

Bri and Shirley are doing donuts in front of Blue Oak in our van. Does New Orleans have police?

The Dirty Shirley is garnished with a daiquiri straw in between the hole of Haribo Happy Cherries. I'm told there is no innuendo. 

They have happy hour Monday through Friday from 3pm to 6pm but keep an eye on your wallet. Shirley will get you drunk and steal from you. 

My Abusive Relationship With Pizza Rolls

I'd like to acknowledge my recently leaked 911 audio. Roll the clip..

911: Is this an emergency?
MTD: *gasping for air* I've been violently attacked. 
911: Is the attacker still there?
MTD: Yes, there's six or seven of them left. Maybe 30 or so in the freezer. 
911: *inaudible* It's him again, Sir, please stop calling us because you don't understand the "let the pizza rolls cool" part of the cooking directions on the box. Totino is not "engaging in mouthal warfare." 

After some station sanctioned therapy, I have had some revelations about my abusive relationship with Totino's Pizza Rolls. I'm at fault too, it's been a two way street.

At first, you were perfect. In 1985, when you took the Totino's name, you were the A+ after school snack. Let's say I was in second grade at the time and not a 6th year senior at the Georgia Southern Institute of Pesticides and Food Journalism. Go GSIPFJ Gophers! But over the years, I began to find you less hot. Fewer hot? GSIPFJ word classes never explained the difference. Either way, that's on me.

I strayed. I snacked around on you. I'm not proud but I had everything. Bagel Bites, taquitos, jalapeno poppers, Hot Pockets, everything TGI Fridays put in the freezer section and even a Fridays waitress. I was young and promiscuous. None of them fulfilled me like you. 

Then the home fryer came along. Game changer. I could make my own potato skins! Then I remembered you, Pizza Rolls. You had a nice new shiny sheen to you. Did you get highlights, Pizza Rolls? You were sexy again. Perhaps, too much so. You constantly burned me and my friends. You got around quite a bit back then. I was okay with it until I needed skin grafts for the roof of my mouth. I couldn't help myself around you, bursting at the crunchy crust seams with just a hint of that cheese underneath. Pizza Rolls, you tease.

My fleet of doctors restoring my mouth told me my cholesterol of 2000 was medically impossible. We took a break. We wanted different things. I failed at selling knives door-to-door, you stuffed yourself with weird meats. And I got healthy. I started mixing lettuce into my bacon and ranch soup. 

Then the airfryer becomes an American darling and you popup in my LinkedIn cart. Perhaps you thought we could have a professional relationship now that I'm a highly respected Snacktion News anchor. We hung out. I was dressed in formal attire and you in an appropriately labeled box. It didn't last. My tuxedo was a tearaway and you were wearing white bag lingerie under all that cardboard. The dance began. Off to the airfryer.

I didn't know at first how long it would take to make you hot. We got creative. I poured Tabasco on you. Sour cream. Chives. It was out of control. Which brings me back to the third and final call to 911 I made that night. Was that my rock bottom? It's hard to say as I finished the rest of those Pizza Rolls after 911 hung up on me. I ate a few of the frozen ones too. 

What have I learned, you ask? Well, for starters, 911 has blocked me but I didn't need that car stolen from in front of my house. All I need is an airfryer and Totinos Pizza Rolls. Nothing. I've learned nothing. That should satisfy my therapy requirements. 

After the break, we'll be back with the $22K cheese heist in the Netherlands.

Oreos X Ritz Sells Out Immediately

Oreo has sold out yet another multiplying project and left Snacktion News on the outside looking in. First it was the battle between Barefoot wine and Oreo and now it's a rumble ready Ritz cracker sandwich against the over achieving Oreo cookie sandwich.

I came prepared this time. Oreo was going to give away 1000 packs of their Frankensnacksandwich provided you pay the shipping at 12 pm. But alas, the website crashed from 11:55 until 12:17 when they were declared sold out. 

*Snacktion News is located in the Central Time Zone*

Don't fear Snacktionneers, I'll walk you through how to recreate this near inconceivable snack in just a few easy snacks, er steps, as I did with the Barefoot Oreo wine. No blender is required this time. You will need...

1. Oreos and Ritz peanut butter sandwiches

2. A Dremel

3. Protective Eyewear 

4. Keen Understanding of Snack Culture and a Steady Hand

5. A pair of pliers and a blowtorch

You'll need to start by putting on your protective Ray-Bans and plugging in the Dremel. Once you've managed to buzzsaw through the Ritz and Oreo packaging, you should be able to find a few still intact.

Carefully remove the whole Oreos and Ritz from the carnage. The next step is important and you will have to fight your basic instincts. 

Do not just eat it like this. It's the coward's way out. *wipes crumbs off shirt*  We, viewer, are better than that. Now, we'll need to reach deep into our years of snack culture and a steady hand. For the former, it's the old fashioned method of the Oreo twist. A clean, simple counterclockwise twist should remove one cookie clean from the other cookie with filling attached. As for the steady hand, some of our more experienced social drinkers might require the dreaded performance enhancing drug. I prefer Sambuca out of the refrigerator door with three espresso beans. I ooze class but anything will probably do.

You should be left with this. 

This next part ain't rocket science, kids. You just just kind of mash them aaaand I dropped them on the floor.

After repeating the previous steps, I successfully managed to press the two sides together. Which should look like this.

Is it perfect? No. Oreo probably has a nicer Dremel, cookie holder and the technology to make the Ritz the same size as the Oreo but here we are. Is it good?!?

Viewer, I won't lie to you. It tastes like. Imagine if you had a Ritz peanut butter cracker sandwich and an Oreo and somehow, just somehow, had the mouth capacity to eat both at the same time, it tastes like that. The peanut butter works well with the Oreo. The Ritz cracker doesn’t offer up more than the salt component which is always nice. 

But for that amount of work, I could have found at least six more Wordle knock-offs.

Oh, the pliers and blowtorch! That's for you Oreo. Don't snub us again.

Pringles Has A First Name

Snack companies have been naming their frontman for a long time. They want you to feel like you're inviting a friend over to hang out. Then you end up frying your bologna and eating it in the warming glow of reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger. Well, that bologna had a first name, you monster!

The mustachioed man adorning the tube of sour cream and onion Pringles your fist is currently stuck in also has a first name. It's not what you'd expect. Originally just Mr. P because he was so laid back and hip with his potato underlings, Mr. P has a salty backstory to his first name. But before we get to that, let's get our field team to take guesses. 

MTD: The Pringles mascot has a first name. What do you think it is?

Derwood Morris: Why does he need a name?

MTD: Pringles wants you to connect with the face you're eating? We're doing a bit.

DM: Percy

Baaaaaaank. Is that how the Family Feud strike sound effect goes? We can't afford a real clip.

MTD: Nikki?

Nicole Amstutz: Doyle. Is this a fever dream?

Bloooooonk. Better? Also, not a fever dream. These are things I text you.

MTD: Thomas, hit us with it.

Thomas Ridgely: Preston Pringle.

MTD: Much better than the actual name but another zooooooink. That's a Scooby Doo noise. Mike?

Mike Hllywa: Dollar Store Monopoly Guy

MTD: Oh, Mr. P can't afford a monocle and he's a knock off of Rich Uncle Pennybags? To be fair, monocles weren't that expensive back when pennies were a form of currency. 

MH: Fred

Wonkkkkkkk. Seriously, can we just steal the noise from the internet?

MTD: Amber?

Amber Hllywa: Something like Peter or Perry would be too obvious. Mr. Monopoly isn't Mr. Monopoly, it's like Moneybags or something.

MTD: Pennybags, but you get credit for knowing it's not Monopoly Guy.

AH: Helios

MTD: So close! Helios is the Greek God of Sun Chips.

It's Julius. Julius Pringles. I didn't know either before watching this Jeopardy! episode from May 25th. I'm weeks behind due to my quest to solve every Wordle knockoff on the internet. I'm crushing Waffle. 

*10 minutes later*

While this is news to Snacktion News, the story behind Julius Pringles dates back to 2007. Mashable has the full story with the duo that came up with the name Julius if you want to read something. But the short story, viewer, is a Wikipedia user put an edit in the Pringles page alerting researchers across the world that Mr. P's first name was Julius.

Why Julius? The Wikipedia fans were also football fans and made a love match between their snack du jour and Carolina Panthers defensive end Julius Peppers. There was no dispute to this claim. So when Kellogg bought Pringles from Proctor & Gamble in 2013, they took it at face value. The name became official based on a Wikiprank. Kellogg just went with it based on their diligent Wikipedia research. 

My guess was Clark Dent Pringles. 

Snacktion News Crashes Hogs For The Cause

Now that Hogs is a couple of weeks removed, I'm as pork sober as possible. *wipes rib glaze on tie* Let's roll the footage...

Hogs for the Cause is a BBQ festival that has been raising money for families dealing with pediatric brain cancer since 2009. So when you find yourself a sweet sticky mess and have bacon sweats by 2 pm on a Saturday afternoon, it's easy to power through knowing it's for a great cause and with great people. Sunday morning is for wondering if that fourth pound of pork belly poppers was a wise choice and did I get a tattoo of Plopper from The Simpsons on my ass.

Hogs this year was back in New Orleans at the Lakefront Arena which happens to be around the corner from Snacktion News HQs. I've labeled each room of my house with a studio number and am writing off my mortgage as an operating expense. So there was no excuse for Snacktion News not to drift through Hogs for the Cause.

A group of pigs is called a drift which makes that so devastatingly clever.

Before we get snacking, I'd like to give a shout out to my BBQ home base, Blue Oak. It's the best BBQ in New Orleans. I'll fight you. Seriously, I'll be there Monday through Friday between 3-6 and we'll see how happy your hour is. Sorry, viewer, that got aggressive quickly. Come by for happy hour and I'll buy you nachos and a margarita. Ask for Mandy. Great job by Blue Oak raising $250K.

Let's get to the Q.

I started at River Pork Pirates. 

They won "Just Wingin It" presented by Tabasco. Snacktion Correspondent, Thomas Ridgely, helped out at this booth and posed as piggy one in the opening graphic.

I went with fried corn, fried bacon bread pudding and peanut butter belly time. 

The fried corn was a let down. Not that it wasn't good but I imagined like almost popcorn on a stick because my brain works in cartoon format. Cracklins have crack built right in to the name. They aren't even trying to fool you. These were peanut butter and jelly flavored after being fried and tossed in crack. Now I'm anxious and paranoid but greasy and full of energy. Fry me some bread pudding.

This is my favorite thing of the day. I'm not even a big bread pudding guy but this makes for a perfect bite. Or two.

Thomas, stop stalking me eating. I'm a professional. Haha, let's get a pallet cleanser.

Bulleit Rye whiskey and filler over ice with garnish. Mmm.

The ladies at Sweet Swine O' Mine were selling pork nachos in bags of Zapps chips. 

After a heated debate, I was convinced to have the Voodoo flavor Zapps because they sold out of Crawtators. 

This is pulled pork nachos in a bag of chips with a plastic fork. Finally, somebody understands my commuting needs. No more.. and I immediately got it on my shirt. Nachos are slippery on a fork. If somebody could make like a fork-spoon combo. A foon? A spor.. Oh, right. 

Swine and Dine had bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers.

Look at that amazing photo. Our camera crew is winning an Emmy for that work. Anyway, the jalapeno popper is the real star. 

This is my second favorite dish. It's better than a fried jalapeno popper for a variety of reasons but the one that stands out is the roof of my mouth remained intact. I have my mouth guy on retainer in case somebody invites me to a TGI Fridays. I have no self discipline, I will need a skin graft. 

Mrs. Pigglesworth

I don't include them in my favorites. Favorite doesn't do it justice. It's my go to for every Hogs.

That, my friend, is the Fireball whiskey pork belly popper. It's just, can we cut to a commercial? I must have rubbed sauce in both my eyes.

The rest of the event is usually country music and pork puns. My favorite pun this year goes to...

Celebrity sighting... 

Argentine futbol extraordinaire, Lionel Messi. There's a solid chance that guy BBQed Messi and ate him and is bragging about it in jersey form. So, there were no follow up questions.

Thanks to everybody involved with Hogs for the Cause, see you next year.

This is what it looks like by the end of the tour.

I call that "sauce bewilderment."

How To Start St Patrick's Day

If you're like me and got sunburned yesterday because it was only partly cloudy, today is an important holiday. Happy St. Patrick's day, viewer. I hope you're wearing green or I'll pinch you! I'm just kidding, let's get drunk. We don't have time for the history lesson plus we gave our researcher, Wiki O'Pedia, the day off for religious "research." *glug glug wink wink*

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day so why should this Thursday be any different? Except, you know, we're going to Irish this one up a bit. Here's how you start St. Patrick's Day.

1. Pour Lucky Charms

We used the Limited Edition Magic Clovers because let's see if it will turn our "milk" green. 

2. Make Milk

Here's where the Irish comes in. Aside from the Lucky Charms, date, green and the rest of this feature. I figure 2 oz of Jameson Irish Whiskey and 2 oz of Ryan's Irish cream = milk. Feel free to double check my marth. Math. There was a test barth. Bath. Batch. 

3. Add Milk 

We're done with the easy steps. Shirts about to get real. 

4. Eat your St. Cereal

5. Fight through it

Pour decisions.

6. Leftover Milk!

Here we go...

Wooooo! *Ric Flair strut* Who's ready for work? *checks where watch should be on wrist*

Okay, it appears I have time for a review. 

The Lucky Charms actually turned the booze green which would have made a fantastic creamer for coffee had I prepared this before just now. It didn't add much flavor to the Irish whiskey and Irish cream. I did not give it a long time to settle in as the booze soaked cereal was not ideal. Really got to shovel that down in a hurry.

 

The marshmellows in liquor were obviously better since they carry negative nutritional value. Overall, it's a solid St. Patty's Day breakfast. Or for every other Thursday morning. I'm going to have it for lunch today. Okay, let's go to work. 

I haven't left the kitchen, seriously, how far could my pants have gone already?